Last night was dreary. One of my best girlfriends and I were standing in line at a funeral for a longtime friends child. He was 19. It was unexpected and a horrific day. We stood there, in this line that ran all the way around the building, never ending all night long. We were there for 2 hours and 20 minutes waiting just to get in to pay our respects to the family.
Freezing out; it was brutally cold and windy. There were people of all ages just waiting. Services were six hours long and this line never stopped. It's was endless. You could hear the chatter all around and the tears coming from everywhere. He had just graduated high school, was on the football and baseball teams, was on of the top in his class and was friends with everyone. One girl said that there were people there she saw in school but didn't know that he was friends with.
Once you were inside the doors which took the an hour plus hours to get to, there was yet another maze to weave through into another room before getting to the second room. It was amazing how many people were there just for him and his family. Death is mysterious and depressing and sad and horrifying.
There are so many feelings that go along with death how do you describe the loss. I lost my dad at 17 and I was a wreck, but to lose your child. I just could not endure such pain. His parents and grand parents stood there for a grueling six hours hugging and crying and smiling with people some of which they didn't even know. Yet they stood there. How? How does one just do this? I know how, but it's so hard. My heart was so sad, I felt so much pain for them all.
As we stood in the line a young girl who went to school with him was in front of me and asked out of the blue if I minded if she asked me a question since she was there alone and her mom wasn't there with her. Of course I told her please ask. She asked me if it would be rude not to kneel at the casket. I replied to her that she didn't have to to anything she didn't feel she needed to, as she was there out of respect for her friend and his family. If she wanted to kneel then do it. If standing was better go ahead. If she wanted to talk to him he could hear her and if she just wanted to go sit and watch from a distance that was alright too. She then started crying. I knew she was so upset. She told me they played t-ball together and became closer in high school(with her being so young, this was just about her entire life of knowing him). I told her that if she needed a hug, I would be there for her and I would even go up to the casket with her. I didn't even know her name, but I could feel her pain as if it were my own daughter. I said, trying to get a smile, it's not like they're going to say you're doing it the wrong way and tell you to do it over, lol. I then mentioned that every person has their own way of paying respects and you will find hers. She smiled and hugged me, thanking me.
When we finally reached the family, of course crying by this time. We all hugged and paid our respects all around. Katy, I asked her name at the doors when we left. Went first and turned to me, reached out her hand toward me as to hold hands. I knew instantly what she wanted. I walked over and put my arm around her and said would you like me to kneel with you. She's crying and said yes. So we did. I then asked if she would like to tell him something she said yes again. She told him how much she loved him and will miss him. How much she will never forget him. He was her best friend and that she wished he was there. Ok, I'm am crying my eyes out all over again, crap! I asked if she was okay with that and she said yes. I rubbed her back, we stood up and we hugged the other three members of the family on the other side.
I turned to my friend who came with me and I walked over to her and we went up to the casket together. I again paid my respects. The three of us looked at all the great photos and such that were all over and we left. This was when Katy looked at me and tears running down her face just said thanks so much and I said what was your name. Katy she replied.
Katy, you are beautiful young woman and what you said warmed my heart. I hope the schools have something in place for students who suffer the loss of another student, for exactly the reason I saw last night. I also hope that parents bring their children to a funeral and teach them how to cope. At least 2000 showed at this people at a funeral, for the death of a child that was unexpected and was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. He touched the hearts of so many people in such a short lifetime, I will never forget that. Live, laugh and love.
2 comments:
So sorry Tamara.
Unfortunately, I am all to familiar with this...
In the year 2010 I literally attended 12 funerals, three of those were teenagers and all three were close with my youngest daughter.
My daughter had a really hard time as well as I. Two of them suicides and one car accident do to texting - my daughters friend that died was not the one texting, she was coming home after a dress rehearsal for the school play and another car hit her. The other girl that was texting, hit her head-on, and died as well - she was 8 months pregnant.. All three died within three weeks and a week apart from each other..... Emily was very depressed and didn't even want to get into a car, and when she road with me she would flinch at on oncoming car, poor little thing! With private therapy and the school having a crisis intervention program for the students, she was able to talk and share with other students who were having the same anxieties.
I strongly recommend to all parents who's child has lost a friend or a classmate to make sure they get help, and get them involved in a support group with those of their age.. Most schools have a crisis intervention program but unfortunately some do not!
When I was a teenager I lost many of my classmates, all from drunk driving in a years time 8 total , also a friend who died from leukemia..
I was able to relate to my daughters pain, as she was the same age as I was at the time of my losses but, we all experience things differently , we deal with things and internalize as separate individuals... So, even though I had experienced loss and could openly discuss mine and could relate with her pain - It is not the same experience as hers.
I was like the girl in whom you helped Tamara, I was alone to deal with my feelings and fears of death... My parents tried to communicate but I preferred to handle it by myself and I did, but that is me.. Although it would have been comforting at the time for an adult to approach me in the moment of the viewing of my deceased friends, I was very standoffish and was taking it all in friend by friend... When my friend Clancy died from leukemia I totally withdrew and became depressed and angry.. I didn't understand why Clancy a girl that was so nice, that went out of her way to help others and always had a smile on her face.. Clancy didn't party, do drugs, drink and drive! When my parents tried to talk to me I withdrew even more - they didn't know what to do with me, and being the age I was, I didn't know how to express myself because it was so painful.. I did however express myself in other ways which at the time my parents thought I was just being a rebellious teenager - I didn't even know why..
My point is, I needed to grieve and unknowingly I was, in ways that were not constructive or misunderstood..
So I really wish there would have been a crisis group at my school to reach out and help - Some parents just don't know how to help and they may have their own coping problems. I think if my school would have had an option of a crisis group, many would have benefited from this including me and my parents...
Tamara, this was an excellent post, and something that all parents should know.. All schools should have Credentialed Crisis Counselors come to their schools when a child dies for what ever reason that may be, and the parents should attend to receive knowledge on what to expect and what to look for in their child, also how to help and what to say.. Every child is different..
Thanks so much for sharing .
~Deana
Thank you so much for sharing, it's so hard at any age. Like you said Deana, every child is different and I was just so glad to help her even if for that moment. I also remember kids my age in school passing. What a terrible thing for you to have to go through in such a short time, and I am so very sorry for you losses. {{hugs}} to you. Absolutely the schools should have in place something for them, or at least a place for them to be referred to and how to help not only the children, but the parents as well. Every situation, whether be suicide or car accident, none is better than the other. Death is a horrific experience for any person, young or old. In your situation, it's sometimes harder for a parent to help a child rather than their aunt or uncle or even close friends, because of how close, or not so close you are. In any case, every one needs to cope, reach out and express their feelings, because holding it will only be like a time bomb. It will eventually come out, I know. It took me nearly 4 years to deal with my father's death. Now I vent all the time, feels great, and I try to help those as often as I can.
You are very welcome. I write from my heart first and then whatever is on the mind that day.
Live, laugh and love,
Tamara :)
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