Starting over.

Starting over.  When I finally decided it was time for me to stop the crap finally, you know the game you play, the game with yourself, just one more chip or cookie or I can eat what ever and work out harder tomorrow.  I finally realized that I was very miserable.  I mean deep down inside uncontrollable miserable.  Yelled at my kids for things they really shouldn't have been yelled at for, didn't talk to people, never really go out in public, things like that.  I will give you the best advice I gave my self.  It's really simple.  Just stick with it and it really will work. Yeah, okay.  We all have gone through it at one point.  I know, easier said than done, but it's true, please listen to me.  I would never give advice that wasn't nor that wasn't easy.  Simple and easy, the only way.  

1:  Give yourself realistic goals.  Example:  I weighed 200lbs (ok, 197.5lbs. and I refused to see that 200 pound mark, I decided for myself that was it).   10% per week is a lot to lose! 1-2 pounds is nothing, I am not kidding!!!!!  Don't kill yourself!  So in the first year I decided that I only wanted to lose 15-20 pounds and keep it off.  THIS IS A LOT! and hard to keep off. So slow and easy is realistic and much better for you and your body and mind!

2:  Drink lots of water!  You body needs water.  You may not realize it, but you may actually be thirsty and not hungry.  If you don't like water (I do hear that quite a bit) add lemon or lime even a squeeze of orange etc. but not a lot, you need the water not some sweetened drink or artificial sweetener.  Your body will love you for it, it truly will! Oh and by the way, quit drinking the soda!! That crap isn't any good for you at all!  That's a guaranteed loss of 10-15 pounds in a month all in itself, with doing nothing else, no joke, just the sugar content alone. Especially if you drink a lot of it.  

3:  Don't stop eating all together, you need to eat, rather add fruits and vegetables to your diet.  If you eat the correct servings of fruits and vegetables a day you will get balance you need and be less likely to overeat during the course of the day. (see a pattern here? eating? and correctly)

4:  Measure your food, this was hard for me but, you need to learn how to truly eat! (if you don't want to start this yet, don't, add this step once you get a schedule going)  I'm not talking go crazy.  I will give you a quick tip that trained me to do this by eye.  A handful of blueberries is a serving for blueberries, on a serving of cereal for breakfast for instance, but you need to find out exactly what you serving size is depending on the cereal you eat.  Usually it's about 1 cup. (8oz.).  Once you add the blueberries or strawberries it really does fill you up. Try it out for a few days first, don't knock it until you try it.  Oh, and don't fill the bowl to the top and put in tons of milk!  I mean come on!  This would be like 2 1/2 servings.  That's like 2+ meals.  I have done it, a lot!  DO THIS FIRST:  Pour you cereal in a bowl, no milk, your normal routine, then go get your measuring cups, see how much you actually have been pouring in the bowl every time, hmm, bet it's not a serving, more like 2 or 3.  Just cutting that back to a serving and adding fruit will help in weight loss and help better your digestive tract, you will be amazed, I was.  

Here is a few things to think about:

1/2 of a small bagel is like eating 1/2 a packaged of English Muffins (that's just half of a bagel)

1 medium fruit is the size of a baseball

a juice glass is 6 oz., not that big ol' glass you've been gulping down

1/2 cup cooked rice will fit in the palm of you hand

1 oz of cheese is about the size of 2 dominoes

3oz meat is about the size of a deck of cards

1/2 cup of fresh fruit is about the size of a baseball   

You should also eat from a smaller plate this way it seems as if you have more food on your plate.  

5:  Eat a little bit a lot of times a day.  Just kind of much out a long the day.  This way you never really overeat during one meal. 

6:  Eat protein at every meal.  It is much better for your body than carbs and more satisfying, as well as a host of extras.

7:  I tell everyone who asks me.  Don't stop eating everything, just do it in moderation.  I still eat a candy bar and ice cream.  Just not every day or on the same day.  I do not reward myself because then I have to constantly beat what I did before, this was you don't think you should have a reward every time you do something great like lose 10 pounds, if you really want that small bag of chips have it, but buy a small bag not the family sized bag.  To me this is not a game, this is life and my health.  If I want something, I am an adult and I will have it, but I need to do what is right for me.  MODERATION, MODERATION,  MODERATION!!!

8:  One of the best pieces of advice someone gave me and I can pass on is clear out your kitchen of all the crap food you have and stock up with the healthy foods!  This way you have nothing but good food to eat and munch on you won't eat the crap food and stop buying the crap food!

9:  Exercise.  A brief walk is great after a meal.  Just hanging out in the pool burns a ton of calories and so does making love so there is no reason not to burn off some calories today!  You can burn calories doing so many things, but you have to get up off your butt and do them.

10:  Best for last!  Just start now.  There is no reason to put off tomorrow what you can start today.  I mean who are you waiting for, you?  No one else is going to do this for you.  I mean really is you BFF going to the gym with you everyday?  Are they going to cook your food and watch what you eat, seriously, uh, NO! They will help and be supportive (hopefully), but they aren't spoon feeding you, you have to do it!   Just get up and do it.  Otherwise, you will be more miserable and get bigger or sicker then you were before, oh I know, I was there!  Believe me I was there! The bigger you get the more health issues you are apt to get.  Not only was I a large, okay extra large woman, but I was borderline diabetic, my allergies were horrendous, I still have some of them now, but they are better, I had so many more medical issues and besides I felt like crap daily.  I am no longer diabetic, or have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.  I feel fantastic in those aspects and an much happier.  There is no better time than the present! Get up and get moving!!

Lets go.  I have faith in you :)

It's March...still working on that resolution?

It's March, how's that New Year's resolution coming along?  Still going to the gym, all the time? I didn't think so either.  Come on now.  Resolutions, smesolitions.  Be serious and let's start again.  One day at a time.  Go slow and keep strong.  You don't need to go crazy and take five pounds off a week because Summer is just around the corner, oh year, you heard me right, 3 1/2 months.  Are you ready to put that body in a bikini?  Or speedo (please no) that went out in the early 80s?  Again, I didn't think so.  Get up and get moving.  A body that is slow and blah will stay that way!  If you are always on the move, then you will be much happier moving and so will your body.  You can't move because you're tired or cold, bah! 

What?  You're freezing.  Of course you are it's technically still spring, but it's still freezing out and it's swim suit weather will be here before you know it and then you will find something else to complain about.  Just get up and get moving, believe me, you will feel better before you know it!  You don't have to lose 40 pounds by then, because in all honesty, if you do it that quick, by winter it will all be back on and you will be just as miserable as you are right now.  Make a plan, stick with it and go slow and steady.

Go to the gym, your living room, the park, anywhere that has extra space at this point, just start!  Get your ass in gear and shake the winter blues.  I know, I feel it too!  Let's do it together, come on let's go!!

I am ready are you!  I want to tone up and get fit, I want to get in that bikini and look smoking hot with you. Come on, do this with me and I will post some new pictures soon.  I put the ones up from my fat days, fat and miserable.  I was there, and as long as I work out, I feel fantastic!  Get up out of that chair, off that sofa and work out with me.  Move and be active and your body will love you for it in return!

How long did it take you?

How long did it take you to start your first diet, your second, third or so on?  It's harder than most people think or say, unless of course they have gone through it for at least 2 months (consecutively) in their lives and I don't mean 2 days at a clip over the course of 2 years.  I mean hard core 2 months really trying a real diet.  Eating right, exercising, resting and well, somewhat stress-free.  Haha...sorry.  I had to put that there, the stress-free part.  We all know there's no such thing as stress-free, sugar-free maybe, but stress-free, ha!

I have to start off by saying I have probably dieted more in my life than most people I know.  Oh yeah, they say they have, but I know better.  They do for a week or so, then they slack or award themselves something off the wall.  I mean, come on people, what the hell?  Why would you sabotage  yourself like that.  You are your own worst enemy.  Life, it's the only one you have along with your body, mind and soul.  You only have one of each and they should be in sync with each other.  Note:  I said should be.  You need to take care of you, because no one else will do it best.  I can name off several diets, fad diets or even the well known starving one's self trick.  None of which ever worked, of course.  Okay, maybe for a short lived time they did, but the weight just came back on and ten-fold.  

At one point in my life I was just a half pound under 200 pounds and I was a woman's size 16.  All 5'2 1/2" of me (yes, have to add that half inch in there, it counts to me).  It wasn't all so long ago.  I was sick, not good at all, in body and health (if you have followed me, you'd see why).  I couldn't take looking in the mirror.  I still really don't like it to look in the mirror, to be honest with you, but I feel better about myself now.  I eat right, exercise and try to be as stress free as I possibly can.  Today I am 115 and a size 0.  I have much more energy than I ever did and want to do things.  I am smaller, feel better and happier today than when I was in high school.  

Life is there for the taking and not to be lived sitting on you butt eating, feeling like crap because that is what you are filling you body with, crap.  After all you are what you eat.  Eat like crap all day and you will feel like crap all day.

You have to start sometime and at the beginning.  It doesn't matter when, so do it today, why not, why are you waiting and who are you waiting for?  It only you who can make you do it.  Look around today at people, we are not getting any better or helping each other anymore, so just get off you butt and do it.  There is no time like the present.  You need some motivation, email me, I will motivate you!

I learned what a serving of food was and holy cow did I eat like a pig; who knew (three servings of cereal for breakfast, holy crap!).  Well if any one of my friends did, they never told me.  I know how to better myself today and I do every chance I get.

Once you know what you need the rest just follows.  Stay positive and find positive people to help you along the way.  Who care what people think of what you look like, just remember in the end you will look and feel amazing.  It is not going to happen overnight by any means and don't let some dam fad diet even pretend to tell you otherwise!

Stay focused and know who you are, this is what matters!  Every one has to weigh a little bit before they start.  I know I did.

Who's the boss?

Wide open question there, I know, but you can go off in many directions on this one. Today my thinking is directed toward work. The industry in which we wake, drink coffee, tea, and or energy drinks then run out the door to our ever-loving place of employment. As for me, hehe, don't hate me, I stay home and do this. No, I don't get paid to write, I LOVE to write. I do this for free. Yes, free, and I do enjoy it thoroughly. For the rest of you, you may or may not love your job. One can only wish that you love your job.

There are so many types of jobs and positions within these said jobs. Remembering back when I worked, I always enjoyed my job, no matter what it was. Marketing was my favorite out of them all, after all I did go to college for this. Not that I sold something to people, because all of my positions were within sales of some sort, but that I was able to enhance or magnify so to speak, the different aspects or great ideas. Me, I can sell anything. Ask Linda, lol. She was my best reference, ever!

I can remember the day I had left there (one company) and had gone on an interview, I will always put down where I am working at that time, because you either want me to work there or not, I will tell you I am leaving, always. I will never lie, nor hold anything over your head. Dedicated and a hard worker, but there are times when you have to leave for family matters, hours, etc. It happens. Here I am, in the interview and they will let me know once they verify my references, talk to other possible hires and let me know in about a week. Feeling confident, I leave, go back to work and no worries. The only reason for my leaving was to go full-time and everyone knew. The very next morning, I get a call from the regional (district, maybe, can't remember which title) manager, to have another interview. I'm now in awe, of course I go. Sitting in this huge room, I go in this office full of four or five people and they start talking to me asking me what I want from them. I was floored. I know I am a great worker, always have been, but just amazed. We go over everything and they ask when I can start. I give them a date, as I had some ads that had to be finished and couldn't leave my current boss hanging. Everything was awesome, and I had to ask them. What was their deciding factor and reasoning for such quick call-back and hire. They tell me that they spoke to my office manager Linda. Besides the fact that she will cry when I leave, they asked her how I was, the normal questions, which were all great. Then they asked her how my sales skill were, well, she responded with, "She could sell ice cubes to an Eskimo in a blizzard"! That was it, I started laughing, that's Linda, love her! Tell it like it is. They had told me no one had ever given them an answer like that ever before. I started with them a few weeks later and loved my job.

Having great bosses have always been a plus for me. If it weren't for them teaching me great things, it would have taken me on a different path in life. Most of them let me do my own thing, work my own way, style and this worked for me.  How is your boss? Does he or she treat you with respect? Do they give you the correct tools for learning? Do they teach you or do you teach them? Should you have the best of both worlds? Understanding people should be number one on every level, not just at work. How well do you work at your job? Do you enjoy going to work? These questions and more you should ask yourself.

Today, the workforce is so different than it was 20 years ago. People seem to be less productive and complain more, as if they deserve more for less work. Remembering my step-dad, being a millwright, he worked in a nuclear power plant, yes you read that right, nuclear. He worked directly on the core. Imagine that. You can't can you, being right there, radiation. I can never once remember him complaining about how shitty his job was, how underpaid he was or how he was treated unfair because they cut his hours. I would like to see you go do that, half of what he did, even a third. The man was a genius, seriously, he had taken many, many tests and scored so high, it was superior levels, Einstein levels. Yet, not one complaint about working, on the generators of a nuclear reactor. Hmmm, and I hear at least 2-3 times a week from someone I know random rants about some lame things, "Suzie" did at work and they got promoted for it, yet they have been there for seven years and can't seem to get a 50 cent raise. Hey!, get off your lazy ass and put a hint of extra effort into it, just something more, maybe showing that you actually appreciate your job. Productivity shows! (Phew, ranting today, lol,) Oh, and my step-dad, has since passed away, from of course, cancer.

There aren't too many of you out there that go above and beyond your job duties. I only know a couple of people who do this. Kudos to you! ;)  (you know who you are)


Who's the boss? Does your boss give you the credit you deserve or take your well deserved credit? If they take your credit, what do you do? What should you do? How do you go about being acknowledged? Should you mention that the idea, task at hand and or project (entire and or bulk) was because of you and or your skill-set. If you're the boss, do you take the credit for someone else's work, you know like plagiarism in college? Although you don't actually plagiarize, you just re-organize their words.  Good students will gather information and put it all together and write something well, while great students will do something all together different.

Scenario (psst, you know who this is): You're the boss, your boss shows up, gives you a list of projects to complete. Easy, peasy you're thinking, because you are one of those hands-on bosses, not the sit-in-your-office while you hand out jobs to everyone else type bosses. You know this will get done. Time goes by, poof, 25 more projects get tacked on, oh, just because you boss thinks ohhh, why not. Still you're not sweating it (on the inside you really are somewhat freaking out, just not saying anything). OH, they your boss decides to give you a time limit, still, your good. POOF, your boss's boss just shows up unannounced, and voila you are still ok, but guess what, your boss, freaks out and decides to start "helping" you. As if he has been all the time. Hmmm, now what. Do you confront your boss? Do you let the big boss know that oh he recently jumped in since you showed up. I mean what is going on? Is you boss making you look bad, good, none of the above? What is happening? Who do you confront, no one, everyone? Will the big boss know you originally were the one who did everything and "Guido" just hopped in to look good. Or was he truly trying to help? Was he told to be there? Are you being tested to see if you will say something, where do your loyalties lay? Me, I would just say, hey, so glad corporate sent you here to help. Oil only needs to be placed where there is a squeak. Karma always finds its way back around.

I do love me some great karma.

Life before...

...the Internet, was, well what was it?  Boring, not for me.  I think it was much more enriching, to be honest.  Yes, today you can Google, Bing or whatever you search engine taste is.  It hasn't been that long, but long enough that I have been to a library, a good old fashioned, sit down and be quiet, people are reading library.

I loved having to ask for information.  Especially from the older generation.  You still can.  It may not always be correct, and you had to verify and cross-check a lot of it, depending on what you were asking.  Gosh, what was that saying I was just told the other night, "the mystery of history" or something to that affect.  Either way, it made sense.  I love both worlds, but word of mouth, listening to the elderly tell you stories of when they were children is fantastic and enthralling in itself.  Sometimes the details can get intermingled with other stories, and this is where stories become inflated over time. When this happens, that's when you start to think if it's ever happened in history.  It is capable, very bound to happen, just because it's in a text book, doesn't mean it's true, 100% true.  Look at all the stories over time that have been changed and "facts have come to our attention".  Amazing, no one ever lied before the Internet, huh?  I guess only the Internet has misinformation and nowhere else.  I caught a fish and it was "this big".

Thinking about everything is just simply amazing to me.  Some people believe everything they hear, read and see, whether it be on the news, in the newspaper or Internet.  It can come from the neighbor or over-heard in the deli, but truth be told, take everything and I mean everything with a grain of salt unless you were there, especially today in the Internet era.  Come on, have you seen that gorgeous "french model" in the commercial on TV, ohh la la, bwhahaha, gets me every time. (clip below)

Anyone can tell you anything they want, it's a matter of what you believe and what you want to believe.  Think about that game from when you were little called "Operator or Telephone", you would whisper something in someone's ear then they would do the same to the next person.  This would continue around the room, until the last person heard it, then they would have to say it out loud.  Ninety percent of the time it was wrong.  It usually came out distorted and really funny.  Everyone would laugh, it was a fun game.  Thinking about it, it shows you how information being passed along through people gets distorted and mis-communicated over time, passed from person to person.  Just imagine this was only within a few minutes. History has a way of getting jumbled and mis-communicated, it's inevitable, no doubt in my mind.  The Internet has a way of letting people shape information to their own likings.  It also has a way of allowing people to search unlimited amounts of information that is absolutely true.  The difference is, which is real and which is not.  Are there parts of it that are true?  I would think and hope that most of it is, at least some of it is.  OK, just a small glimpse.  And this, this is the part that intrigues me the most. Is it live or is it Memorex?  (and for those who don't know this line, clip below, took me about 10 before I picked one, loved them all)

    

Planes, trains and automobiles

How do you like to travel?  It seems to be that lately in the world of travel across the board it doesn't matter
the mode of transportation, you are paying through the teeth to travel.  Why is this?  It doesn't take a rocket scientist or neuro-opthamologist to see what is going on here.  Money.  It's all about the money, do each of these business owners, boards or CEO's talk to each other and say, hey, if we all just make it a level playing field no one gets hurt or left behind.  Me personally, find it ridiculous.  I can't afford to do any of the above, well I can, I choose not to.  Why do I want to pay the airlines hundreds or dollars, because it's a holiday to fly to meet a family member or loved one; possibly I have an important meeting to attend, they have no idea that it's on the same weekend.  Why do I have to suffer and pay extra?  20, 30 percent more because it's a holiday weekend, get over yourself.  I will take the train, yup, so much for that fantastic idea.  Whoa boy, big discount there, saw that coming a mile away. Might as well smack me with a stick now and call me Betty.  Well Betty, hop in the car and get to driving.  Stop at the nearest rip-you-off gas station and fill up the tank for $100 and few times before getting to your destination.  By this time you've spent that $300, you've could have given the train station for the round trip ticket, had a comfy seat, no driving, BUT, no car in the end and rely on someone for a ride. HMPF!

Planes, train and automobiles.  I think maybe I will go via horse-drawn carriage.  This may take me an extra day or two, but "hay", I can stop and smell the roses, and enjoy the scenery as I ride on by.  Besides, who doesn't love a good old fashioned horse carriage ride every now and again.  I can pay in carrots and sugar cubes, love and affection.  This I can totally afford and want to give out.  As for giving any love and affection to the other industries, not so much.  I still love the train (someone else is driving, great scenery, direct), well maybe driving myself is great too (own vehicle, no schedule, go anywhere, no boundaries), but then again flying does have its privileges (quicker, well quicker).

Are you going anywhere anytime soon and which way are you traveling? Planes, trains or automobile?

Pictures of you

How do you feel about posting pictures on the Internet?  Yes, can of worms.  I didn't mean to start the day off in such an eye-opening mood, but this is what I woke up to. Posting pictures.  Why, no clue.  There are just days I wake up and poof, this is what I am thinking about; posting pictures.

Do you post pictures, silly me, of course you do, but how many and what kind of pictures are they.  The questions I ask myself is, where do these pictures go as well as who can have access to them.  Well, boys and girls (Spoken in Mr. Rogers voice, of course), the Internet is an infinite place of space and excitement.  There are a lot of great things we can find out, but be careful, because there are also dangerous drawbacks, such as viruses lurking, just waiting for you to touch on them so they can jump inside your computer and attach themselves to everything you've worked so hard to save (or not).

This brings me to those who decide they want to utilize programs such as Instagram.  Instagram is a great application where you can take many photos and share them with your family and friends.  This is fine and dandy, BUT, where and what and who has authority over your pictures??  Oh, I am not saying to stop using Instagram, it's a great program/app, just be careful what you post.  I love to take pictures and post them, not so much of myself, but those around me and the view.  It just amazes me how people think and what they post some days, amazes me, head just shaking thinking about at this moment.  Posting pictures on the Internet that are inappropriate is like texting inappropriate pictures, just don't do it.

A county in Pennsylvania, as well as a county in New Jersey just passed a new law about posting pictures and sharing over test messaging, sexting so to speak.  This is for minors, up to 17.  Basically don't do it.  If you do and you started it, you're facing harassment charges, the one who sent it and the one who received it.  I think it should be all over and not just in one or two counties.  This all took place because of one picture text that was sent and then a mass text was sent out to many, many students in a high school.  It got so out of control, that it ended up in several high schools.  The point is, why?  Why send it to begin with, why allow someone to talk you into "sexting" in the first place, because you don't know where in the world, literally, your texts or pictures are going to end up.  I know if this was one of my daughters, phew, I don't know what I would do, but I would be very upset. These are pictures of you, shouldn't you decide where they should go?

Falling in love

Falling in love; how does it happen?  How does it feel?  When do you know it real and not you mind playing tricks on you?  Love is a great word.  It has so many different meanings.  

The dictionary states:

   love |ləv|

noun1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love |their love for their country.• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight |they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share alove of music.• affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.• a formula for ending an affectionate letter : take care, lots of love, Judy.2 a person or thing that one loves : she was the love of his life | their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.• Brit., informal a friendly form of address : it's all right, love.• ( a love) Brit., informal used to express affectionate approval for someone :don't fret, there's a love.3 (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil : love fifteen | he was down two sets to love. [ORIGIN: apparently from the phrase play for love(i.e., the love of the game, not for money); folk etymology has connected the word with French l'oeuf ‘egg,’ from the resemblance in shape between an egg and a zero.]
Which is it you feel? All of them, none of them or have you had the pleasure of utilizing every aspect of the word.  I don't play tennis, so #3 is out for me. Oh no wait, I did play when I was in high school, so scratch that, 30-love, hehe. Stop; in the name of love, before you break my heart, let's just think this over a minute, and get back to where I started my thoughts with this one.  Love.  Falling in love, how, why, when and how many times does a person do this?  One can only endure so much pain before they have heartache, nothing but a heartache.  Sure, your eyes meet and you can't stop staring at each other for hours on end, or you don't want to hang up the phone because the thought of it makes you want to cry.  A feeling so intense, so powerful that just the thought, an inkling of not being able to talk to them for a mere few hours makes your heart hurt.  Ok, it was something you ate and it's just heartburn, time for some Tums. That didn't work.  

Is it possible to fall in love and not know it?  What are the odds?  I'm a loving person and love to help people around me.  Knowing me, you know this is true.  I lend a hand whenever and where ever needed.  It has been something I have always done.  I love my friends with all my heart, and don't like to see when there is something wrong.  I feel their pain. It makes me very sad.  Believe me, I do not like being sad, it's something I don't practice.  I elude from it on all levels and express happiness at all times.  Again if you know me, you know that I am a happy person and always smiling, even in troubling times.  Humor and laughter is the best medicine.  Live, laugh and love as I'm always saying.  I live by that.  Now that I think about it, truly think about it, looked it up and read the true meaning, love is deep.  Love is mysterious, interesting, ongoing, affectionate, caring, romantic, trusting, friendly, warm and tender.  Most of all love is not something that should be thrown around like a baseball, back and forth and left on the ground if you don't want it anymore.         
The question stands, falling in love.  How and when, why and where does it happen?  Can you go to the store and buy this?  Are you sitting and reading a book or blog and there's that lightbulb again.  Holy...am I...no, well maybe, no.  I told myself I was never going to be put in this spot again.  This time is different, I mean different.  Love, yes, I have loved before, a few times, truly loved.  There are many different types of loves.
Eros love- which is erotic love.  This is usually the physical attraction, maybe awesome, but physical.  It also has strong feelings, but more toward the physical side.  The looks aspect of the relationship.  Wow, is she sexy or he's hot, great body and you can't seem to take your hands off of each other.  This is self serving too.  All about ME.  How you make ME feel and not so much about each other.  It feels good because you make ME happy, that's the drawback, yes it's love, but it may be short-lived.  "Baby, you make ME feel so good", sound familiar.  Sorry, had to go there.  I thought I was in love, looking back, I was, short lived, but Eros love. It's natural and important to have this type of relationship, believe me. We all need romance in our lives.  Although, sometimes I wish I could step outside of my body to watch myself in a relationship, just for a few hours to tell my self to take my head out of my ass. Was I that lame?  Nah, you love, love and learn.
Philos love- this is love based on a friendship between two people.  You start out by being friends first, who knew?  Having this type of love is more capable of becoming a long term relationship than any.  You have a foundation, rather than hot steamy sex, not that we all don't need that too, but we need a foundation, a base to build your relationship on.  Even in a friendship, you need a foundation.  If you have nothing to build from, then what?  the walls will eventually crumble down.  This type of love is based on a give-take where you both gain from the relationship.  Someone once told me many years ago, I can't remember his name, he was a teacher, but he said to me, "Love starts out as an empty box and each person has to add to the box everyday; love, happiness, joy, laughter, hugs, kisses, and he named off lots more, then he added, every day, you add every day.  Now, whenever you feel you need any of these you take one from the box and as long as you both give and take, the box will never be empty."  I will never forget what he said.  This falls under philos love.  Philos love will in the end turn into agape love, which eros love doesn't.  
Agape love- this is unconditional love, as in mother-child.  This is the highest form of love that there is.  Unconditional love is the type of love where one person gives and takes nothing in return, not benefitting at all.  Helping out a person, getting nothing in return, such as a child, an infant.  Taking care of an older parent, because they can't care for themselves, unconditional.  Agape love, is the highest for of love and is not all posses this type of love, although we all should.  So many loves.
Love. How does it happen?  When do you know?  Does cupid come a shoot you with an arrow?  Is it a feeling that overwhelms you, smacks you in the back of the head like your teach did because they thought they saw your eyes on someone else's paper taking a test.  Was the moment, when the other person you're talking to you tells you that you just haven't realized what that "crazy" feeling you're trying to explain to them is , which you still can't describe in any terms that make any sense to you whatsoever.  

I'm feeling as if I'm being pulled by a giant magnet, a force.  I am supposed to be exactly where I am at this exact moment in time.  For the first time in my life and I mean first, I feel as if there is a calm surrounding me.  I can sit and stare at you for hours, no words, no awkward moments, never in my life can I say I've had a Jerry Maguire moment. Live, laugh and love.

   

Compulsive liars

Why do compulsive liars, lie?  Is there a process in there life that they went through to get to that point in their lives?  Did they miss something growing up?  Are they vying for your attention as well as half dozen or more others.  Do you deal with this from you significant other or close friend?  Are they a compulsive liar or a sociopath?  Is there a difference?  Maybe they are a pathological liar an not a compulsive liar.  In any case, you have to figure out what the difference is and how to deal with it.

A compulsive liar, just is that you have become accustomed to lying out of habit, dumb idea, but it happens, they bend the truth about everything, big or little.  As for being very manipulative, that is more under the sociopath side of things.  It amazes me that there are people out there who are cunning and manipulative, so bad tot the point that they deceive and hurt those around them purposely.  This is where karma kicks in.  It may not be immediate, but it will.

You, yup, you know who I'm talking about.  There are many signs about how to spot a compulsive liar.  Then you have the sociopath, and you pretty much hit them all on the head.  Let me throw a few out there for the sociopath:

* exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, describe events to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it usually sounds believable at the time.

*They are never wrong, ever.  They can never apologize. They never feel guilt. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack, getting defensive(sound familiar).

* They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

Just to name a few.  There are several more, but this was the "Reader's Digest version",  my cut down version.  

Confusion

Doing things for all the wrong reasons may be the right thing to do, when in all reality you should have done the right thing for the right reason.  Yeah, doesn't make sense to me either.  Confusion.  It's like playing that song you love so much over 100 times just to learn the lyrics and incorporate the meaning into your life.  Were they written just for you, you're thinking, must have been.

You think something is exactly that and it's not or you think it's not and it's more.  What the heck.  Why aren't things simple?  I'm not saying bring me the answers on a silver platter, just a clue, small one, yeah signs, I know.  I see them, but there has got to be more, something tangible.  My head spins at times thinking about things, everything, big things, small things, that's the analyzing part of me, I suppose. This is where I would lust like to smack the crap out of a few choice people, who know me.  Don't tell me stuff, you know I will over-analyze the entire situation, the analyze it again.  More than likely come back to where I started, then the outcome will become clear, eventually, but I have to play every scenario in my head and yours, if I am talking to you about it. I do mean every one.  I will not stop either, this is something my oldest can't stand either.  I don't let things go, yeah I'm working on it, but it can be a great trait in certain situations.  Being aloof is not in my character whatsoever.  I pick through and find everything, every facet, every detail.  Then wonder endlessly.  If you know me, you know.

Am I wrong, right (usually) about what will happen, or what is going to happen.  I do not like to let down people or be let down, too negative.  There is enough negativity in the world today to add to that.
Looking back, maybe I don't fly by the seat of my pants as often as I should, but when I do, I am prepared.

Death of a child

Last night was dreary. One of my best girlfriends and I were standing in line at a funeral for a longtime friends child. He was 19. It was unexpected and a horrific day. We stood there, in this line that ran all the way around the building, never ending all night long. We were there for 2 hours and 20 minutes waiting just to get in to pay our respects to the family.

Freezing out; it was brutally cold and windy. There were people of all ages just waiting. Services were six hours long and this line never stopped. It's was endless. You could hear the chatter all around and the tears coming from everywhere.  He had just graduated high school, was on the football and baseball teams, was on of the top in his class and was friends with everyone.  One girl said that there were people there she saw in school but didn't know that he was friends with.

Once you were inside the doors which took the an hour plus hours to get to, there was yet another maze to weave through into another room before getting to the second room. It was amazing how many people were there just for him and his family. Death is mysterious and depressing and sad and horrifying.

There are so many feelings that go along with death how do you describe the loss. I lost my dad at 17 and I was a wreck, but to lose your child. I just could not endure such pain. His parents and grand parents stood there for a grueling six hours hugging and crying and smiling with people some of which they didn't even know. Yet they stood there. How? How does one just do this? I know how, but it's so hard. My heart was so sad, I felt so much pain for them all.

As we stood in the line a young girl who went to school with him was in front of me and asked out of the blue if I minded if she asked me a question since she was there alone and her mom wasn't there with her. Of course I told her please ask. She asked me if it would be rude not to kneel at the casket. I replied to her that she didn't have to to anything she didn't feel she needed to, as she was there out of respect for her friend and his family. If she wanted to kneel then do it. If standing was better go ahead. If she wanted to talk to him he could hear her and if she just wanted to go sit and watch from a distance that was alright too. She then started crying. I knew she was so upset. She told me they played t-ball together and became closer in high school(with her being so young, this was just about her entire life of knowing him). I told her that if she needed a hug, I would be there for her and I would even go up to the casket with her. I didn't even know her name, but I could feel her pain as if it were my own daughter. I said, trying to get a smile, it's not like they're going to say you're doing it the wrong way and tell you to do it over, lol. I then mentioned that every person has their own way of paying respects and you will find hers. She smiled and hugged me, thanking me.

When we finally reached the family, of course crying by this time. We all hugged and paid our respects all around. Katy, I asked her name at the doors when we left. Went first and turned to me, reached out her hand toward me as to hold hands. I knew instantly what she wanted. I walked over and put my arm around her and said would you like me to kneel with you. She's crying and said yes. So we did. I then asked if she would like to tell him something she said yes again. She told him how much she loved him and will miss him. How much she will never forget him. He was her best friend and that she wished he was there. Ok, I'm am crying my eyes out all over again, crap! I asked if she was okay with that and she said yes. I rubbed her back, we stood up and we hugged the other three members of the family on the other side.

I turned to my friend who came with me and I walked over to her and we went up to the casket together. I again paid my respects. The three of us looked at all the great photos and such that were all over and we left. This was when Katy looked at me and tears running down her face just said thanks so much and I said what was your name. Katy she replied.

Katy, you are beautiful young woman and what you said warmed my heart. I hope the schools have something in place for students who suffer the loss of another student, for exactly the reason I saw last night. I also hope that parents bring their children to a funeral and teach them how to cope. At least 2000 showed at this people at a funeral, for the death of a child that was unexpected and was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. He touched the hearts of so many people in such a short lifetime, I will never forget that. Live, laugh and love.

Working to live, living to work.

How do you live? Paycheck to paycheck and hoping each one will stretch to the next one or do you have a budget knowing where each dime goes?  Are you a thrifty spender somewhat like those coupon queens on television?  Are you independently wealthy, hmm?  Yeah, I hear you laughing.  One of my best girlfriends, I know, I know, I have several, she can't seem to ever dig herself out of this hole she has dug, time and time again.

How do you get into this so-called hole?  Yes, you put yourself there, but she just bought a new home, a few short months ago, is a single mom and has a car payment.  Your typical average working individual.  She works not one, but two full time jobs, for those of you thinking she isn't a hard worker, yes, she likes to have a little time to herself and enjoys time out every now and again.  She isn't the partying type, no Paris Hilton, not a smoker, thank goodness, that would have broke her for sure at $10 a pack and her kids and 17 and 19 and both have jobs.   I play the scenario through my head quite often, just wondering why she sits at home "saving" her gas for work.  No, not kidding.  Is it that you go to lunch a few days a week and spend five or ten dollars each week?  Maybe you hit the bar once or twice a month and spend a $20, I have no idea.  Ohhhh, maybe the mortgage company allowed you to overextend yourself, maybe that's it.  Wow!  Lightbulb ("Despicable Me movie voice"have to play the clip below to understand this one)

(I am laughing right now, one of my favorite movies.  Now I have to go watch it when I'm done, lol.)  

So the lightbulb goes off in my head on this one, seriously.  Did the mortgage company do some number jumbling to allow her to get into a mortgage that was too big for her?  Maybe not, maybe so, but what I am wondering is if they don't look into the fact that you have utilities to pay once you climb into that new mortgage.  It's not free.  Come on now.  She has always been a hard worker since I have known her, always.  There aren't too many women who are like that, well me :)  But besides us, I mean the two of us, there are the ones who go to work, come home and do the normal routine.  She and I always had more than one job and still came home and took care of our families, plus had a third job, we worked together and loved it.  It was never for the money before, but now for her it has to be.  What happened?  When did it all change? 

I don't know when it changed for her from living to work, to working to live.  All I know is that I feel deeply saddened by it, because I see a sad person, truly sad person, who has done nothing but try and work on a daily basis, never ending, not the whoa is me type and still seeming to go nowhere, except backwards some days.  I lend a hand when I can, which is always, but even still, I can only stretch myself so thin, before breaking down and not giving in to the same thing time after time.  One day you will realize that you have to step outside of yourself, look, analyze the situation and know that only you can make the change that you have needed so much for so long.  

       

 

Day by day

Day by day.  How do you live day by day.  From getting up from the first buzz of that annoying alarm clock for most of us or are you the type of person who doesn't need an alarm because you have been on  a schedule for so long that your body just wakes you up at the ass crack of dawn.  You hop out of bed energized and pee, or not.  Some up us, uh hemmmm, don't do this part so easy. Takes a few of us time, a few minutes to get up and rub those pretty eyes and roll over a time or two before deciding we need to get up, oh, unless of course the dog(s) decided to bug you for the last half hour or so.  COFFEE TIME!  Unless of course you're a tea drinker or a soda, energy drink or otherwise type person.  For me it's coffee.  Gotta have my cup o' joe.  I love the stuff. It's the little things in life I enjoy.

Weird as it may seem I couldn't stand the smell of coffee years ago, now I'm hooked.  When I was pregnant with my second child who will be 18, damn I feel old today, in exactly a month, I all of a sudden had this craving for coffee.  Well it never left.  Here I sit in Starbucks (today I was feeling Starbucks) writing this, coffee next to me, just thinking about this moment driving all the way here.  It has most definitely become a ritual every morning, afternoon, oh heck, you got me, evening too, but I have switched to decaf at night.  

What's next?  You take care of the animals?  Let them out, then back in and feed them, drink your coffee while reading the news, checking your email and social networks.  I'm just guessing here.  Go hop in the shower unless your the shower at night kind of person or shower twice a day.  Me, I can take a hot bath at night for a great soak and shower in the morning.  There's just something about trying to wash your hair in the bathtub that doesn't seem to sit well with me.  Babies and small children are one thing, but adults, whole different subject.

Go to work or well if you're not working, clean your already clean house because you did that yesterday, unless of course you're so depressed since you lost your job you've been wallowing in your own depressed thoughts and haven't done crap.  Yup, I know.  I tried on that suit for a few days, didn't fit.

The way I look at things now is, change.

Change it all, not all in one shot and not everything all the time.  Small changes and for the better.  You don't like it, well get up, get out and fix it.  You are the only one who can.  There is no one who will do it for you.  You will have family and friends who will be next to you and comfort you, but they can only help you so far.  You have to do the rest.  Like Nike, just do it.

Don't like the way your hair is, wash it, comb it, perm it or color it or cut it, even let it grow.  Many different options.  Don't like the way your jeans fit, well change what HOW you eat, not necessarily what you eat, learn to eat the correct way.  Don't like the way people look at you, change it.  Stop wearing sweats out of the house.  Feel like crap about yourself, get up get dressed and dress like a million bucks, it will make you feel better. Being happy about yourself surely reflects and its a start.  I can think of so many positive things and ways to start my day out and I do that I get asked a lot about it.

Just the other day my brother in law mentioned that it was the first time since he's known me, that he hasn't seen me smiling and in a down sort of mood, he was actually talking about it for about 20 minutes or so.  He was amazed.  He has never seen me this way.  I have known him for 30 years and we are close. I was at his and my sister's house quite often.  I mentioned that I couldn't take it anymore; I gave in.  I was on day 15 of a migraine and finally couldn't take it, the smiling hurt my head.  He was still in amazement because of knowing all the medical issues I have and that I just go on every day like nothing is wrong.  The way I see it, is that you can smile and live with it, or be miserable and live with it.  Why be miserable?  Misery loves company and only breeds more misery.  I sure don't wont this and to me it creates more pain, no way, I'm good thanks.  So I smile, besides I truly am happy, I'm alive.  

Day to day is what we have, we choose what we do and who we are with.  We choose how we live, where we live and how we live it.  If you you choose to be happy it is up to you all you have to do is change it.  Live, laugh and love.     

Signs

Signs are everywhere.  Big ones, small ones, subtle ones and loud obnoxious ones.  You can walk right in front of one and never notice that there is one right in front of your face waiting for you to notice.  No, not that sign, not the "enter" or "exit' sign.  I'm talking about the "a-ha" signs.

Have you even gotten a sign like that?  You're in your car, pull out of the driveway only to get 50 feet down the road to have to turn around because you forgot your cell phone or wallet.  You go back home, run in the house, go searching all over the place and can't seem to find it.  Now you pulling your hair out searching high and low trying to retrace your steps and go back to your car, not finding it in the house of course, pick up the newspaper on the passenger seat of the car and there sits both the wallet and cell phone.  Now not only are you mad at yourself for turning around, but your 15 minutes late, so decide to take the back roads to work instead.  Arriving at work, park and run in, the buzz in the office is about the horrific accident on the highway involving a big tractor trailer and three or four cars, literally happening when you normally would have been there. All you can think is that you should have been dead or hurt badly, because if you would have never turned around to go back for that phone  you thought you forgot, you would have been plastered all over the highway.  Really!, you even changed the direction you were driving.  Why did all this happen?  You never left anything home to begin with, one and two, you changed routes.  Signs.  It was something that made you change your mind, something deep inside that just told you to go back home to take up some time.  Signs.

There are many types of signs you may get.  A phone call from an old friend, finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your old winter coat, go buy that scratch off ticket only to win $100.  Go to lunch with your best friend at a new place, come to find out they can't make it, you're already there, but someone else shows up and you end up dating them.  What about forgetting to study for your test, get to class and the teacher ends up canceling because they got sick.  Was that a sign or just luck?  Some people may call it luck, I call it a sign.  It's a sign telling you you need to become more aware of your surroundings and yourself.

What about meeting someone new or even better yet someone you already knew and you reconnect after years.  What kind of signs will you get?  How many do you need before you know if things are going to go your way?  Is this person the one?  How do you know and if so how do you know it's true?    This is where signs come in play.  There is a sign for everything.  Open, closed, in, out, the feeling of being sick is a sign.  We all know that feeling and that is can stem from so many different things.  Stress, happiness, sadness, an illness, operation, a smell, bad food, good food, allergies, medicine,  too much to drink, too little to drink and even love.  The difference is , you need to know how to read the signs and when to know if the signs are right and are pertaining to that situation.  You will know.  Or at least there will be a sign.

Be happy

Who are the Jones' and why do we have to keep up with them?  What makes them better than you or the Johnsons' or even the Smiths?  You move into a glorious neighborhood and look around, new to the area and make a few friends when people just look at you like you don't really belong there, like you aren't quite "up to their standards".  What do you do?  You do what half of the other people in the society does, they go out and spend all the money they don't have, they buy more "stuff".  Stuff they can't in all reality can't afford and will take them in all actuality 30 years to pay off if they should make the minimum payment on the high interest credit card.

Next, they decide to get a new vehicle, why?  Maybe it's the fact that they are going through a mid-life crisis, or so, again, society tells them they are.  Could be the fact that the neighbor just bought that new Escalade and they need to have a new one too, hmm?  Keeping up with the Jones' are you?  Tuesday comes and you get a phone call, "Hey, we're having a "little" get together this weekend, come on over".  Oh surely you have to go.  Off you go and see all the latest technology they have and now it's a must have for you.  Within a few short months, possibly weeks you now have the up to date latest big screen along with anything else you can add to make yourself fit in.  Why would you put yourself so far in debt to do this?  Don't you already fit in or are you just trying to be someone you aren't?  I understand that you would like to have a great entertainment room if thats what you truly want, as I have one and enjoy it a lot, but if you don't ever use it and are just getting one to show off or to be like everyone else, then why?  Why keep up with the Jones'?  Why put yourself in a class with everyone else when we are all truly different.  If everyone was cut from the same cookie cutter, then the world would be boring, not to mention basically crime-free and peaceful.  Think about it. It would be great, but not realistic, this, my friends is a fantasy world. If every person was the same, how would you be able to tell everyone apart?  Be yourself and let people love you for who you are and not who you think they will love.  Don't become a statistic and try to keep up with anyone but yourself.

Being like everyone else doesn't give any impression other than being fake and being fake doesn't give any impression other than you have no idea who you are.  If you don't know who you are, sit back, reflect and remember why you are happy.  If you aren't happy, find your happiness, hold onto it and once you are happy with you it shows.  Showing you are happy, just secretes out of your body naturally and once that happens, all else follows.  Happy people are contagious.  Pretty soon, the Jones' would much rather be you, happy.      

Letting go

When is the right time to let go?  Let go of it all, cry, while your laughing kind of letting go.  You know you have all of these emotions going through your head and you have to let them out, but you don't quite know how.  Do you cry, laugh, scream, talk or just smile and move on?  There is baggage and then there is the kind of baggage that has an entire matching set that goes along with it.  We all need to let go of our frustrations and anger.  If this builds up we can become so bitter and angry it may work in reverse and it can be dangerous for our health.

How do you let it go? I have found out recently through many friends that people take different routes in dealing with stress.  In how to release stress and how not to release stress, you know who I'm talking about.  There are those who turn to the bottle, the bar and friends who they think are real friends, when in fact they are not anywhere near being an acquaintance, nonetheless a friend.  Then you have the quiet type, clam up and hold it all in until they explode and just burst out crying for no reason one day because they can no longer hold it in.  Next, you have the ones who indulge in food, any kind, just eats for all the wrong reasons.  For me, I vent and vent and talk to everyone and anyone, lol.  I'm a talker, always have and always will be, BUT, that doesn't mean I let go of anything at all.  It only means that I talk a lot.  I do not necessarily tell people my problems.  There was a time prior to my divorce that no one knew there were any problems in my home, why would I air that to anyone.  No one else's business in my eyes.  I didn't want to look like I was out of control, or that I couldn't take care of my own household. All the while I would get a compliment such as (him knowing I went to get my hair cut, FYI: we love when you notice the little things)"oh your hair looks good, BUT you should have gotten it done curly".  Another good one would be if I did a project in the house NO MATTER what it was, always, always said it looked good, BUT..(that damn word) you could have or should have done it this way.  I was always told how much better I should have been or he would pick out every flaw and  physically point to it for me.  How do you give a compliment and take it back all in the same breath, don't bother, please!  So for this I feel as if I didn't exactly get treated like the princess I would have loved to be treated like.  

No, you don't have to buy me pearls, although one Christmas he did, which made my year and that was toward the end, where looking back, he knew I was at my wit's end and more than likely hoping he could "buy" my affection and love. Oh not in my lifetime!  You don't have to buy me to love me and appreciate me, just love and appreciate me.  It's not that hard.  I believe most people are looking for the same thing in this world today.  Not the same old, same old, but to be loved and to love, purely and honestly.  No bullshit attached.  At least I am.  To enjoy each other and what they do and to know that you are respected and appreciated.  Stop by and bring you coffee, because I can.  Mail (snail mail, not email, you know actually pick up a pen and write) you a card because you are thinking about them, whether you live in the same house or not.  When you don't feel good, let them sleep in and close the shades because the suns is going to blare through the window at any moment.  That kind of affection. Yeah, I know you want that too.

Have you ever just sat on the couch feet up, laying next to that special someone watching a movie and realized you have no idea what the movie is because you you are so comfortable with that person and your brain is just not acknowledging any information except well seems like nothing but that moment? No?  Me either, but I would love to.  I feel that if we all just let go of the bitterness and disillusions of bad relationships past we can make what we want for our futures. I know for me it was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still doing every day. The reason is because I have to see him every weekend when he visits my girls, although they are 18 (in a month) and 20, they do see him every weekend.  Why?  I believe he is trying to make up for lost time and I have nothing but respect for all three of them trying to stay as close as they allow themselves since it has taken to this point for them to have a father daughter relationship.  As my oldest tells me that they're friends and when was he ever a father to her. I just shake my head and think to myself, well it's better than having a deadbeat dad and off they go to lunch or a movie.  Yes, I still have some bitterness toward him (ok maybe a travel bag full or more), but it gets easier every day to let go especially when you can look ahead to a brighter future with him not in it.  Just let go.