Analyzing yourself

Have you ever looked back and just analyzed yourself.  I mean really looked at who you are and where you have gotten in life.  Did you ever wonder if this is where you would end up?  I know I sure didn't, but if I had the chance to do it again I would still have my children.  That is for absolute sure.  All the medical issues and aggravation, there is love and beauty and miracles every day that occur and they over rule it all.  I know I would make changes in my having done better and gone straight to college.  This way it would have gotten done right away.  I would have taken care of my body better, well probably not.  As for my ex-husband, I would have made him see a therapist and not just asked him to go.  Maybe things would be different now.

Different how, who knows, but maybe our family would still be together and not apart.  My girls live with me and he comes and sees them all the time, but we're not a family.  We talk all the time, but we are no longer together.  Life is hard no matter who you may be, no one has an easy road and don't let them tell you otherwise.  Analyze yourself often and make small changes if necessary, we all need to take care of each other and ourselves, but first of all ourself.  If you are not well yourself, how can you be good with someone else, you can't.  You will never be able to give you all to anyone and only giving part of yourself makes for a lacking relationship of any kind.

Analyze yourself often, but not overly otherwise it becomes obsessive and you don't want to become "that" person.  You know who I'm talking about.  Some of you may be laughing and other are saying who the hell is she talking about.  Let me put it to you this way, I know this girl, NO, it's not me, hahaha, anyway, I've known her for years and she is always talking about how she doesn't want a man because of this or that, but then she can't figure out why she doesn't have one.  I just sit and listen to her and try to give her advice even though I know she doesn't listen to anyone, ever.  She analyzes everyone, all the time for every thing.  This, is too much.  Make a list, pros and cons.  Its easy.  How hard can it be, don't go overboard, keep it simple.  Life is grand.  Tell yourself everyday how lucky you are to be here and have all the things that surround you.  Think about it, you really are lucky.  I know I am on more that one different level and I really need to rethink all of my decisions from here on in.

Life is one road and there is no turning back only side paths ahead so which one you choose is where it will take you. Once you go down that path there are only more paths to choose and so on, so you always have a decision in life.  This is why you should analyze yourself from time to time to see where you are in your life.  Where you go from there is all up to you.

Karma...

When does it come around? Any thoughts?

Rain

I love the sound of rain its a very soothing sound.  At night it makes me sleep soundly, unless of course it is torrential and then its almost as if a freight train is coming through my home.  In that case, I don't want to sleep and worry if a flood is coming or the roof might spring a leak.  Rain is soothing and scary all at the same time.

I wonder if this was all meant to be to keep us on our toes and be prepared for all things to come.  Who knows?  Anything is possible.  I would much rather have a good nights sleep than have a restless sleepless night worrying if my roof will leak.  I can buy machine that makes the rain noise but is it worth it, I don't know.  Makes me wonder if I will dream of flooding.  I guess I will just wait until a soothing rain comes and let if fall as it will.  Rain is cleansing and good for the earth, but too much is just too much some days I suppose.  In all aspects of anything, too much of anything can just be that, too much.  But in the end i do love the sound of the rain.

Where to go?

I would love to move.  I would love to move somewhere warm and dry.  Not so humid and definitely no snow.  Ok, well I love the seasonal change as I have had it all my life, but my body due to the wondrous medical conditions I have doesn't love the cold at all or the seasonal changes.  So, because of this I really need to relocate.  The problem is where.  I live in NY.  I love NY.  I hate NY.  I love NY.  As you can see it is a love-hate relationship I have with NY.  I love -hate the weather and I love hate the financial status of NY in general.  Land taxes, oh let's just not go there.  Gas prices, well gee taxed again.  just about anything you do in NY they tax you for, but I do love living here.  The hustle bustle, the people, the food, the seasons, my home, the grass oh man I love my yard and my flowers.  It takes hours and days to get it just right only to have winter set in.

As for everything else thats where it gets me.  I need to start again, somewhere.  Nowhere in-particular in mind, well maybe Texas, I have family there.  Its dry, warm and not as expensive.  Now the grass there is well hard and viney.  I don't know if I can get some nice Kentucky bluegrass growing there or not. Hmmm, not too sure.  Florida?  Kind of humid there and the hurricanes are a little intimidating, but no.  nor'Easters.  The Carolinas, again humid and tornados and hmm, they have nice grass though and some season changes but lately they have has massive snow.  I have no clue.  Maybe Arizona there is sand and snakes and scorpions.  Oh heck I have no clue.  I really need some help here.  I wish I could test them all out like shoes and just return them if they didn't fit after a week.

Any of my friends who live all over the country all say they love where they live, but thats because they live there and have already established a life there.  This is why I love living in NY.  I have lived here forever.  My family and friends are here.  I love them and really don't want to leave and am afraid I will hate where I go.  I haven't the foggiest idea where to go, but I need to feel better than I do now.

Summertime is is a good time of year in NY for me and I sometimes forget how bad I hurt when it is nice out so I tend not to think about it.  I sometimes wish I had a crystal ball that actually worked so I could ask for some guidance for this.  I would like to go where I have family, but what would happen if this isn't the best place for me to go health-wise, then what?  Do I start all over again?  I just don't think I would have it in me to do it all over again.  I don't have the time, energy or funds to move twice.  nonetheless have to move my kids out of another school.  I mean they are older one in high school and the other in college so its not like they wouldn't understand.  Ok fairy godmother where are you when I need you?      

When do you know it's the right time?

When do you know it's the right time for anything?  I have no clue some days.  I am the type of person that picks thing apart before doing them, well I pick it apart after too, which is not always good.  I think to myself that I can do it better.  I am a perfectionist.  I want to do things once.  It's not the fact that they should be done once, because there are many projects that are meant to be done over and over.  It just happens to be that I just over analyze myself a lot.  Its part of my make-up of my personality.  I am critical of everything I do.  I just want it all to be exact the first time, why do it wrong over and over.

I know it's not easy for me to do this, because it occupies my brain to have to think about this, so if there is anyone like me, which I know there are many of you out there, it becomes overwhelming at times.  I love to help people and to create things.  Again, I over analyze what I do.  I try not to, believe me, it's hard not to when you have done it all your life.  I tend not to get involved anymore because I do this.  So I ask.  When do you know it's the right time?  For anything for that matter.  Getting involved or moving or dating or having kids.  Anything can be inserted at the end of that question really.  I know its not an easy question for anyone to answer, but ask yourself and then be very true.  Don't just make yourself believe its ok and do it.

You have to write it down an pros and cons list of sorts.  Make it real, then maybe you will know.  I would write the list, then over analyze it.  I know myself, I really would.  In my case it would work though.  It may not work in every situation for me, but at least I know I was giving it my all.  Can this work for everyone?  A list, writing it down, yes.  I would definitely say yes.  Then you would see it in writing and can go over all the details.  So you would know it the timing were right.  I know that life is worth living and should never be put on a list, this is one thing that should never be put into play for any reason, but for most other things, yes make that list and then you will know when and if it's the right time.

18 and knowing it all!

Do you remember being 18?  I swear I was younger when I thought I knew it all, but now that my kids, I have 2 teenage daughters that are 16 and 18, my oldest thinks she knows oh so much better than I do.

Me, I think I was about 16, 17 when I thought I knew better or at least enough to move out and take on the world and of course I didn't until I was 18 or close to it and by then I was working two jobs and going to school so I could support myself because I knew I had no choice.

As for my oldest, well she just thinks its going to be easy I'm guessing, because every other day I hear that she's going to move out because she's 18 and an adult.  Bwha ha ha ha, an adult, maybe in numbers as per law and thats about it.  She has a job, 2 days a week sometimes 3 if she is needed and even then its not set in stone.  She seems to think that she can afford her car, car insurance, a cell phone, an apartment, utilities, food, and ohhhhh drive back and forth to said job when they need her (hmmmm ok then).  But she knows so much better.  I and her dad, my ex, support her and all her bills and I mean all of her bills.  All I as is that she don't give me an attitude, keep good grades in school, keep a part-time job as long as she is a full time student and RESPECT me, oh and live my my rules, my home: my rules.  I really don't ask for much. I do not say a word about her room except of there is food laying around (seasonal bugs, maybe ants), but the bathroom to be clean and clean up after themselves.  Dishes and they do their own laundry.  All the rest I do.  I cook and clean.  Oh, we all take care of the dogs we have.  Other than this there is really nothing.  They have cell phones and computers (no computers in rooms, nor cable in rooms).  They don't want for anything, but I do ask the above things like I said.  It isn't that hard.  I mean, no rent, I cook and I don't charge a dime.  What more could you ask for?

This is where is becomes in my mind funny.  My oldest says, well I would like to be able to just leave my stuff wherever and not clean if I want to.  OH, OK!  But, you don't do that now unless I say something, so what the heck is the difference?  I have to ask for the dogs to get fed or taken out to go pee or for the garbage to get taken out.  I mean really if you move out, who is going to do that then?  Your new maid.

At 18 when I moved out I knew exactly what I was doing because I had money saved before I moved and had 2 other roommates.  I shared the expenses and responsibilities for everything.  I worked quite well for me, I really don't think she has her head on straight, but hey more power to you and good luck.  Tough love is what I see.  You are my first born and I will miss you dearly if you go, but you may need a taste of the real world and have to fall flat on your ass to see that you may be an adult in numbers but in reality you are making the decision of a 16 year old because you have it made here and one thing you don't know is once you leave, that's it.  This is not a flophouse and I am not about to just let you come and go as you please because you think I will.  18 and knowing it all, remember if you know it all then you will know what to do in an emergency situation when you have nowhere to go.  I love you but tough love sucks so stick it out and remember I love you!