Arnold Chiari Malformation

This is one of my many illnesses that I have.  Illnesses, disorders, diseases whatever you may call them.  I have several.  Arnold Chiari Malformation is a rare condition of the brain.  As described by the Web MD website:

     "Arnold-Chiari malformation is a rare malformation of the brain that is sometimes, but not always, apparent at birth. It is characterized by abnormalities in the area where the brain and spinal cord meet that cause part of the cerebellum to protrude through the bottom of the skull (foramen magnum) into the spinal canal. This interferes with the flow of cerebral spinal fluid to and from the brain, leading to accumulation of cerebral spinal fluid in the empty spaces of the spine and brain. The portion of the cerebellum that protrudes into the spinal canal can become elongated and is called the "cerebellar tonsils" because it resembles the tonsils."



(fig 1.)
This is my actual MRI from 10-24-2005, showing the massive herniation all the was to C-2. along with a brain stem hump that I still have. (looking as if I were sliced in half top to bottom through the nose to the chin)
(fig. 2)
This is another of my MRI's 10-24-2005 pre-surgery. (this is looking as if cut in half ear to ear looking down through my neck)

My brain was so herniated that it was crushing everything in its way, as you can tell by fig. 2.  Look in the center of this picture and at the section that looks like 3 circles together the top one, that is the that your brain stem meets the spinal cord in your foramen magnum.  The spinal cord is supposed to be free floating in CSF (cerebral spinal fluid).  It is also supposed to have plenty of room (extra) for all of your accessory nerves, etc.  Foramen magnum is Latin and means, "great hole", oh heck, not in my case.   



My herniation was 25mm below the base of my skull on one side and about 19mm on the other side by the time I had brain surgery which was November 18, 2005.  I had been having sever migraines since I had a car accident back in 1987.  This was the trigger point of my growth.  In some cases this happens but it is more common it is a hereditary trait.  In my case I had no blood flow out of the 4th ventricle of my brain, which kept pounding inside my head and on my pituitary gland which in turn messed up my endocrine system which them made my thyroid gland not work correctly.  That made me gain weight over time.  I was nearly 200 pounds.  I felt like crap daily! (still do a lot)  I'm talking migraines, migraines and more migraines!  I had/have numbness, confusion, memory loss, spots in my eyes, body drops, sleeplessness, then over sleeping, pins and needles, burning sensation, superficial thrombophlebitis, a brain stem hump from c1-c2, scoliosis, occult tethered cord, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome the list goes on.  I will go into detail later.  Here is a picture taken the day after I came home from surgery. The day before Thanksgiving.  I can remember my brother calling me zipper-head because of the 43 staples I had for the 11 inch opening they had for the the posterior fossa decompression. 




This MRI was post surgery and as you can see the great area there that I no longer have the herniation there, but the brain stem hump still exists.  This is permanent damage and irreversible.  You can't see it the greatest, but if you look really good you can just make out the titanium plate at the end of my skull line, well I have to hold my brains in some how, lol.  
                                                                                                                   


In this picture I was 178lbs, and a mess.  I barely remember anything.  I know it was a long surgery.  I remember about 12 hours before I was awake from the time I was put under anesthesia.  There was so many things they found while doing the surgery so it ran longer than usual.  My mom was told about 5-6 hours and yeah, that came and went before they came out and told her all went well.  I had many issues.  


I now have no c1 and c2 is just about gone, but no worries I'm not a complete bobble head, lmao!  Although I still get migraines and have a lot of residuals from the surgery there has been improvement for me.  At least I feel as though there were.  I'm alive!  If I didn't have the surgery I would have ended up in a wheelchair and totally paralyzed on my left side if not completely them eventually dead.  I was choking while I was eating and could barely swallow any kind of whole food as it was.  I was stopping breathing while I was sleeping because of the herniation being so downward.  It was crushing my throat.  It was bad.  So the was I look at it.  I still feel like crap just about everyday and I can never work again, but I am alive!  I can walk and talk.  I type and write this blog, yes.  I type things and save them and post them as I go.  Just because they maybe posted in the same thing it doesn't mean they were written they same day.  I have been doing this for a long time. I can't sit for that long, it absolutely kills me.  Thanks to my doctors, Dr. Milhorat and Dr. Bolognese for letting me continue with my life, because I would have never been the same.  Again if you are reading this and you have any question please don't hesitate to ask.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/chiari/chiari.htm

This is me now, although day to day still is a lot of hard work, and I do get terrible migraines still as well as a host of other issues, I look much better and feel better about myself than I have in years.  I take things day to day and never let anything get me down because I remember, if it weren't for persistence and a doctor who finally believed me  and not thinking all this was just in my head, which by the way, it truly was, I would have been dead.  Live, laugh and love!

It's all my fault!

Do you ever feel like your the blame for everything in you life?  I mean everything, no seriously everything from the time you were little until say yesterday.  Ok maybe last week when something went wrong or last month.  I'm not saying that I am insecure by any means, because I am not.  I am a very head-strong and independent woman.  I have all my ducks in a row and know what I want in life.  I am a free thinker and speak my mind.  I help others and make sure I don't get the raw end of the deal thanks to my mom and my step dads (yeah both of them).

I mean when I was little like 5-6 years old and my parents split, it was my fault.  I know now it wasn't.  I really thought then it was.  I didn't do the right things or listen as well as I could have.  I didn't understand that until I was well into my teens.  By the time I was nearly 17 it was too late because my dad had taken his own life.  Why?  Who knows?  Well he did.  I'm sure he was very depressed.  He was very, very hard of hearing and refused to get a hearing aid.  Why?  Again only he knew.  Deafness runs in my dads side of the family.  Depression, I guess that could but I never heard of anyone else having issues of it.  I always wished I could have done more for him.  Spent more time with him.  I felt as if it were my fault for that too.  I wanted to hate him so much for killing himself, but I couldn't.  He was a coward for pulling the trigger but at the same time he was relieving all the pain he had built up inside himself for years and I imagine he had no other way of getting rid of it.  Was dying the answer, no!  Talk to someone, he was probably afraid to or thought he had no other option at that point.  Don't ever let your life get that bad or to that point as to where you think you are better off never waking up again.  There is nothing or no one in the world ever never nowhere worth ending your life for.  This may be why I thinks its my fault.  I didn't get there in time to fix it.  All I ever do is want to fix things or make them better.

 I got married at 24 and divorced at 43 and was that is my fault too.  I could have tried harder.  But I finally found out the truth in the end and seen that it wasn't all my fault.  I miscarried the year before having my first child and I know that was my fault.  I was working and got hurt.  Should I have been working?  I could have done things differently to have voided getting hurt.  I know it was an accident and accidents happen.  Like I said I feel like its my fault and I have gotten past that.  It just feels like it is my fault.  When I gave birth to my second child she was so blue she was nearly purple and not breathing.  I can remember all the doctor over top of her and they wouldn't let my then husband cut the cord like they told him because of her condition.  It was wrapped around her neck twice and she swallowed her meconium.  This was not good.  She is great now and a high-functioning Autistic teenager whom I would never change.  Was this my fault?  Did I eat wrong?  Did my ex smoke too much or inhale toxic fumes on a job site that may have gotten passed into her genes?  I sit and think about all of this.  Some days it just drives me insane I swear.  Not really insane, but just that it makes my head spin thinking about it all day long the thought of how and why.  I can go on and on about what I think is or could have been my fault which I just may later on.  Like I put on the header of this blog its just All In My Head!  Keep reading and I hope you follow me and enjoy it.

Post, reply and hey you can ask me questions if you'd like.

Beautiful pictures



I have 2 girls, my favorite oldest and favorite youngest.  In this blog I am going to talking about Krislyn, my youngest she will be 16 in just a few day, six to be exact.  Wow, where'd that time go?  Well she is Autistic and the most wonderful youngest daughter I have.  Yesterday she wanted something to do so I let her (giving her responsibility) use my Canon Rebel XT to go take some pictures.  She has a great eye. Check out these pictures!! These are my daughters pictures and if you would like to copy them or use them in any way shape or form please email me first and I will gladly ask her for her permission, otherwise you are not allowed to use them.  Thank you.  I am hoping one day she breaks the barrier and becomes a great artist like she hopes to be.  She wants to be a clothing designer and musician.  There is nothing holding her back.

SNOW, SNOW, SNOW!

April, well almost and as it's cold we are expecting snow and a lot of it.  But not as much as we've had in the past.  5 plus or whatever inches.  I really wish I was a weatherman or woman (not sure of the correct titling).  I could be somewhat right some of the time a get paid for it.  Don't we all feel that way, well at least the majority of us?  I mean really don't you get mad then they predict that we are getting let's just say 12 inches of snow or then change it to 18" then up to 2 feet and then we get a dusting?    We all rush out to the store and bulk up on milk, bread, water and batteries (ok, maybe just me for batteries for my flashlights) and then pft... nothing.  It barely snows.  The news comes on and here comes the weather of course at the end and the go on and on about how terrible it COULD have been but we narrowly escaped it.  I guess we are all magicians now, like the magician narrowly escaping the straight jacket while under water and handcuffed.  I tell myself, self, next time you're not running out and doing this again.  Next time comes and what do I do?  Same thing.  I think I should just buy stock in Duracell, because all the stocking up I did. Let's jut say I have a small stock pile now.  As for the snow...ugh!  I get tired of it by the end of January, but it melts eventually.

I'm talking about the snow that we're going to get and I'm online and come across this picture.  I'm rethinking 5" of snow!!

Divorce

To divorce or not to divorce???
I have been asked by multiple people, why did I stay with my ex so long.  Well I was married just over 19 years and together with my ex-husband for 22 years.  That is a long time.    I loved the man.  I never got married to get divorced.  There were some good times and there were some bad times.  I don't know which ones over-ruled which, but out of it all I have 2 great girls and I couldn't ask for anything better.  I grew up watching people stay married forever all except my mom.  My dad left when I was almost 6.



As for me and my ex, I get along with him better now than I ever have and we talk, gee imagine that, we talk now.  It may sound impossible but it does happen.  I don't know why it didn't before, maybe we were too dam young or just maybe because we didn't want to, but we didn't.  Unfortunately I stayed for now what I can truly say I still have no idea if it was right or wrong to stay.  Should I have left years ago?  Oh yeah, just because of the emotional abuse that I now know was abuse.  Don't stay because of your children if there is abuse of any sorts in the home, NONE!  I would have much rather have been slapped around then I would have known it was being done and then I would have left.  So why did I stay, my kids.  I waited to get a divorce thinking it would be easier on them when they were older and understand.  Well let me tell you it never gets easier, never, ever!  If I could do it again I would have divorced him when they were much younger when the fighting started.  Well in any case it should be final by the end of the month.  It seems like an eternity and all he could say was that it was sad.  You know, it really is now that I think about it.  In all reality its happy and sad.  Happy for a new beginning and sad that its the end. Its really final. The End.  

18 and Knowing It All The days of having 12, 13, 14 or more kids of more of a thing of the past; today, even four or five kids ...