It's all my fault!

Do you ever feel like your the blame for everything in you life?  I mean everything, no seriously everything from the time you were little until say yesterday.  Ok maybe last week when something went wrong or last month.  I'm not saying that I am insecure by any means, because I am not.  I am a very head-strong and independent woman.  I have all my ducks in a row and know what I want in life.  I am a free thinker and speak my mind.  I help others and make sure I don't get the raw end of the deal thanks to my mom and my step dads (yeah both of them).

I mean when I was little like 5-6 years old and my parents split, it was my fault.  I know now it wasn't.  I really thought then it was.  I didn't do the right things or listen as well as I could have.  I didn't understand that until I was well into my teens.  By the time I was nearly 17 it was too late because my dad had taken his own life.  Why?  Who knows?  Well he did.  I'm sure he was very depressed.  He was very, very hard of hearing and refused to get a hearing aid.  Why?  Again only he knew.  Deafness runs in my dads side of the family.  Depression, I guess that could but I never heard of anyone else having issues of it.  I always wished I could have done more for him.  Spent more time with him.  I felt as if it were my fault for that too.  I wanted to hate him so much for killing himself, but I couldn't.  He was a coward for pulling the trigger but at the same time he was relieving all the pain he had built up inside himself for years and I imagine he had no other way of getting rid of it.  Was dying the answer, no!  Talk to someone, he was probably afraid to or thought he had no other option at that point.  Don't ever let your life get that bad or to that point as to where you think you are better off never waking up again.  There is nothing or no one in the world ever never nowhere worth ending your life for.  This may be why I thinks its my fault.  I didn't get there in time to fix it.  All I ever do is want to fix things or make them better.

 I got married at 24 and divorced at 43 and was that is my fault too.  I could have tried harder.  But I finally found out the truth in the end and seen that it wasn't all my fault.  I miscarried the year before having my first child and I know that was my fault.  I was working and got hurt.  Should I have been working?  I could have done things differently to have voided getting hurt.  I know it was an accident and accidents happen.  Like I said I feel like its my fault and I have gotten past that.  It just feels like it is my fault.  When I gave birth to my second child she was so blue she was nearly purple and not breathing.  I can remember all the doctor over top of her and they wouldn't let my then husband cut the cord like they told him because of her condition.  It was wrapped around her neck twice and she swallowed her meconium.  This was not good.  She is great now and a high-functioning Autistic teenager whom I would never change.  Was this my fault?  Did I eat wrong?  Did my ex smoke too much or inhale toxic fumes on a job site that may have gotten passed into her genes?  I sit and think about all of this.  Some days it just drives me insane I swear.  Not really insane, but just that it makes my head spin thinking about it all day long the thought of how and why.  I can go on and on about what I think is or could have been my fault which I just may later on.  Like I put on the header of this blog its just All In My Head!  Keep reading and I hope you follow me and enjoy it.

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