Only 2 more days.

I just can't believe my baby turns 16 in two days.  I never saw this happening.  I mean I always knew the day would come, but I just never knew how fast it would be here.  It just seemed like yesterday that her and Amber wanted to go to Chuckie Cheese's and have pizza and play games.

This cake I made for her when she was 8.  It was her swimming pool party made of Teddy grahams  with frosting on them and blueberry Jell-O, chicklets, the jelly orange candy, fruit stripe gum and the only un-edible thing was the Lego lounge chair.  It took me a while to make this but it was so good.  The reason for the pool party cake was because you never know the weather in April in NY, so we just decided to have an indoor pool party.




Now that she's turning 16 she's like wow mom, we can go and take my permit test on Tuesday right?  Uh, ok?!? I think so, yeah, sure, of course you can.  She has been studying I will let her of course, but I will also make her take driving lessons.  It does help kids learn, or teenagers I should say learn.  It really does.  Respect is a huge thing driving.  Respect your car, other drivers, the animals that just want to run out in front of you, emergency vehicles, the road, the weather, just everything.

                                  (this is a few years old, but I lust loved this picture)


Well I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning.  I know, both.  It's the beginning of her move into adulthood and the end of her well maybe depending on me so much.  Nah, she will still need me :)  just as much as I need her and her sister.  16, to be 16 again, nope I'm good right where I am.  I just can't believe it two more days.

Alone

I'm not sure how many people have been in the same situation as me, but have you ever felt alone?  I'm sure you have at one point in your life.  I mean really alone.  In the same room with a lot of people having a great time, yet feel like you're all alone.  If you have read my previous blog on my medical conditions then you will know some things about me and that I have Arnold Chiari Malformation.  Look at me, well I know you can't.  I mean take a look at my picture.  I don't look sick or like I have anything wrong from the picture.  It's really annoying some days, because that makes me feel alone.  I can honestly say that I feel like crap daily.  Each day is just a different level of how bad I feel.  Some days I get up and do nothing and I mean nothing.  I'm lucky I remember to take my medicine the bazillion I'm on.  Other days I get up and I want to do the dishes or laundry or anything I can just to feel useful.  Woo, lets go to the mall, go shopping something.  Oh boy, for most women, that is an awesome thing.  Oh don't get me wrong.  I love to shop.  Its the walking for a long time that I can do without or the sitting or the long day.  Its the whole thing all together.  I have to save all my energy from the entire week just to go shopping with my kids one afternoon, because I will be home sleep extra and hurt more, be tired and be so worn out the next day.  It takes me 2-3 days to recover just from shopping it drives me insane.  So I don't do it.  And remember Arnold Chiari Malformation is only one of the many illness I have.



Trying to accomplish regular tasks at home is forget it.  Overexerting myself is just about everything I do and I pay for it the next few days.  I will go out and dance with my friends, but I take Tylenol before going because I have to on top of everything else and again I am just sitting or lying in bed for the next 2 days because I am in pain.  I am throbbing, My neck and head is built up with so much pressure it feels like I was ran over by a truck.  I feel so alone, why did this happen to me?  Some days I wish that everyone could just experience this for a month, not a day, a month.  Then maybe when people look at me and say, "you look great, you seem fine".  Yeah, ok.  I wish I only felt half as good as I look then at least i could do so much more.  I feel useless some days, alone, confined.  Other days I feel as if I were given life another chance and something precious like a gift.



I don't have any mental issues, yeah anxiety, who wouldn't with all the medical problems I have, but thats it.  I'm not depressed or anything like that.  I just need to vent thats why I made this blog and I want to get my thoughts and stories about my life out.  Maybe it will help someone, somewhere.  I am a strong woman, independent for which my mother taught me to be and I am grateful to have such a wonderful mother.  I have two awesome sisters and a great brother too and for that again I am truly thankful.  My 2 gorgeous daughters and 3 pain in the butt dogs (aren't they all) fill my life with joy and make me part of the woman that I am.  But having so many illnesses I always will feel so alone like I was hand-picked to endure all this pain and continue my life this way.  Alone in the sense that there is no one like me and not alone in the sense that I have no one around me.



This is why I know there are many people who feel they are alone in a crowd, but just remember you're not alone, but you are one.  One special person, just like me.


Customer Service???

Customer Service...hmmm.  This one could go either way it seems lately.  For instance, you have an issue with let's say the bank and you call to try and clear it up.  Who do you call? Customer service.  You need to return an item to the department store because you don't like it or it fit differently.  Where do you have to go to return it?  Customer Service.  Now, here's the trick question.  What happens when you're late a few days on payment for your credit card?  Who do you call?  Customer service, right? Yes, but that usually turns into collections.  What the heck.  I am a great payer and have very good credit.  Why is it that when you need service as a customer and you really have an issue that needs to be resolved there are so many rude, obnoxious and just down right nasty customer service agents (people or whatever the term is these days) answering the phone?

I called my credit card company the other day, I will leave their name out of it, because they have been good to me, or so I thought, over the years and I asked why my interest rate went from  16.99% to 30.24%.  I know even the 16.99% was high, but I have had them for many years and I really had no balance on the card.  The Customer Service Rep. on the phone tells me that due to blah blah blah, and blah blah blah that every one of their card holders interest rates were increased.  Really?  Well thats news to me.  I know a few friends who have one and theirs isn't.  I ask nicely (no really I was nice) if there was any way to have my rate lowered because I was very good paying customer and a cardholder for so long.  He just flat-out was like no ma-am.  What the hell.  Why not?  Well this was a bank decision for all cardholders blah blah blah for the increase in the rate.  I must have tried to haggle for 10 minutes.  I can usually get something haggling.  I was getting really frustrated now.  15 years at least I have had this card, never late always overpay, what is the issue?  Where is the customer service when you need it?

I want a manager.  So on goes the call and a manager I really am mad, 30.24%.  This is no picnic and the interest is nuts.  I explain everything over and this Customer Service Manager says the same thing as if they were reading a screen.  Gee, a script???  Ok, I get it I told her I finally told her that your company really don't want my time, business or money.  I will be paying off my card that has what, $1500 on it in full of course and you will be losing all my interest from now until forever and I will be closing my account and you won't get my extra say $900 in interest plus whatever I could have charged over the next what 3-4 years to pay it off.  So in all actuality you will be losing a whole lot more.  Me on the other hand I am gaining a whole respect for the word Customer Service, because your company has none and the word should be removed from the employee handbook as well as from any memos within your company at all.  Please feel free to shred all of my information except where you have to retain it as by what the law tells you to.  I went on to tell her that there was no service in there Customer Service as well as being no customer in their Customer Service.

I had silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds and then finally heard well I'm sorry you feel this way.  OMG!, Are we reading the screen again.  I chuckled just enough so she could hear me and said oh sure you are, but it's ok, I understand (their second favorite line, I couldn't resist).  Then of course she asks me the good old stand by, is there anything else I can help you with today? Well, maybe my laundry or dishes, what do you think, really?  Uh, no, I think we're done here.  I hope as of today my check cleared, you know how long that takes, they want to suck every days interest out of you this way they get more.  It's been about 5-6 days now and I really don't want to have to call back customer service.

No joke

The papers have been served, no joke.  The divorce shall finally be final and hopefully by the end of the month.  Wow, I still can't believe it.  Of all days today, All Fool's Day A/K/A April Fools Day.  I love it.  He's not a fool.  He was a good dad when he was around and a great provider.  I know deep in his heart he would have never let anything bad ever happen to us no will he ever, but once you cross that line, yeah you know which one I am talking about, there is no turning back.  I could have never trusted him again, even if I wanted to.  It was at the point to where I couldn't even stand the smell of his breath when he came close to me.  

I will always have a place for him in my heart and will be his friend forever.  After all he is the father of my children and I did fall in love with him at one point in my life, but for me I am a survivor and always have been and always will be, no doubt about that.

Love is a funny thing it is.  How do you know its there, you just do, how do you know its gone, you just know.  Its not knowing if your in love mind, body and soul.  Its knowing that you love your mind body and soul enough to to give your love away to someone and they in turn are willing to do the same without knowing why, you just do. Now thats love. No joke.

Arnold Chiari Malformation and medical issues

Arnold Chiari Malformation or ACM.  This is what I have.  I posted this before.  I wanted to go into a little more detail about it.  So here it goes.  I was sick and still am, it's like a diamond, it's forever.  I'm talking weird sick.  Not your everyday cold symptoms stuff.  This was different.  When I was in a car accident back in 1987 and smashed my head on the hard chrome metal seat belt buckle holder and passenger window.  Cut it open bad and I remember holding my head because it instantly hurt.  I felt something cold running down my right hand.  It was blood.  I had a concussion and whiplash and something else happened to my neck, I don't remember what they called it and a back injury.

I remember hearing an ambulance and next thing I remember was opening my eyes and being in the ambulance then I blinked and I was in the ER.  It was all in a flash.  I then remember the doctor saying he had to give me a few stitches if it was ok.  All I can recall was that he said maybe 4 or 5 of them.  Yeah right.  I know that there are at least 7 in the initial scar I have that is still tender  to the touch after 24 years.




They took x-rays, not that I recall at all, but that I have records of all of them.  Anyway I have had nothing but migraines since the instant of impact.  From that moment on weird and unusual things happened slowly, but the migraines always stayed.  They went from mild to massive and short spurts to long drawn out days.  I feel terrible for anyone who has one because I know what you go through.  I have actually met people who have never had a headache (I bow before you), lucky you!!!  I get them daily and only the intensity changes.  I can mostly ignore them because I have had them so long, but not the migraines.

Now for the weirdness.  The first few things that ever happened I just wrote off as flukes due to the fact that maybe I had a beer or it was really nothing and I was just imagining things.  When I came home from the military and the migraines didn't stop from the medicine I was on then I went to chiropractors.  Well that didn't help.  I went all the time.  I would feel better when I left until about 10 minutes down the road.  It was not even worth the drive anymore, but I continued to go because nothing else seemed to relieve the pain.  I had numbness and pins & needles in my arms and legs on occasion that I can remember.  I would get nausea and want to just sleep all the time.  On several occasions I would have to pull over driving because I can remember getting or seeing these halos or what people call auras and I would black-out.  I didn't even know that was happening to me.  I only knew once or twice that it happened and that was only because I didn't recall the drive in between my to and from where I was going.  I would consider that weird.  Not knowing how you got from point A to point B.  It was beginning to get scary.  I called a Neurologist.  They get me in and did some testing.  I had these tabs glued to my head and electric shock or something were sent to it and recorded.  I don't recall the entire test, but I can remember the goo in my hair.  Yup, migraines the doctor said and gave me some other medicine.  Well no friggin way!  (chuckle here)  Of course they are, thats what I was there for.  Now I'm  sure something else can be done, but I wasn't the doctor and I was young so I went along with whatever I was told.

I felt a little better with new medicine, but still tired, sleepy all the time.  Back hurt, head felt heavy at times like I had to lay down.  This would pass and I would just ignore these things and move on.  My knee would start to hurt like I was an old lady.  I mean like 80 years old and ran a marathon.  Then there were days that I felt like I had on concrete boots and gloves.  It was driving me nuts.  Next my eyes.  My vision would go from normal to blurry to halos around lighted objects to double vision constantly.

As the years went by I just dealt with the pain and new issues popping up, but kept going to doctors.  I kept having different issues come up like my hands going numb, just 2 or 3 fingers at a time on a hand at different times, then go away.  I would have pain in different parts of my body in the joints usually and feel like I had the flu without the vomiting.  This was all the time and only got worse over time.  I was taking a shower one afternoon.  I couldn't take hot showers because they feel extra hot on my shin.  Well I'm in the shower a little warm the water is and my feet turn bright red and almost blue.  What the heck!  I get out and dry off.  I take pictures of my feet because no one will believe me.

 One afternoon my mom was at my house visiting and I was just walking through my den area and we both heard a big "pop"  I had to sit down immediately because the popping sound came from my right knee.  I popped a vein.  Well this was new.  It instantly became bright red and spread out over my knee cap.  It was hot to the touch and my knee hurt it I put pressure on my leg standing on it.  Off to the doctor I went.  I was told I just "blew out" a superficial vein.  It was an inflammation it will go down and they put me on an antibiotic because of the size of it.  It completely covered my knee.  Oh, and if it happens again come back.  Not long after that it happened again.  It may have only been a few weeks later, but this time it was my left leg down my by ankle and it was so bad I was limping and could barely walk.  My leg was swollen and I thought it was a spider bite, but no marks and you could see exactly where the vein popped.

The doctor decided to do a Doppler sonogram on me this time to make sure I didn't have DVT (deep vein thrombophlebitis).  Negative for that, but I do have Superficial Thrombophlebitis, which just sucks. I can be walking and "pop"  what pain sometimes.  Be in fact it just happened the other night.  I woke up to it in my knee.  I get it in my hands too, but more in my knees down.  It hasn't been as bad as before the brain surgery but I still get it every few weeks.

Time goes on and the normal or what I call normal issues happening to me now, migraines, popping knees, joint pain, double vision, blurry eyes come and go, numbness in limbs (occasionally) pins and needles sometimes.  Now for most people they would not consider this normal, but I live with this everyday so anything above this I would consider this not normal.  You with me so far.  

My kids are young just in school and I'm working my butt off to help pay bills.  I just put myself on the back burner because Krislyn is Autistic and she is much more important than me migraines and pain or not.  Amber is 2 years older and and also needs me, not as much because she isn't a special needs child, but nonetheless she is a child and needs her mom.

Now I continue working, taking care of my home, kids, bills, husband, animals and myself the best I can then I get more symptoms.  One day I'm at my job and we get pizza for lunch.  I have a slice and I get viscously ill.  I mean instantly.  I go to the Urgent Care and tell then what happened.  Pain, cramps and it feels like my insides are hard and sticking out.  They do massive testing of all my organs and blood tests.  I have an infection somewhere and they tell me I have a kidney stones that will eventually come out but probably not for years.  Ok, but what is wrong?  They have no idea its not food poisoning no one else was sick and all my organs seem fine.  I get antibiotics and nothing still pain, discomfort and sick to my stomach.  I lose like 25 pounds in 2 months and no reason why.  They do more blood testing and find nothing.  One more round of antibiotics and poof the pain is gone and I feel fine like nothing happened.

Things come and go and in between everything else I get bronchitis and upper respiratory infection all the time during this.  I mean like 5-6 times a year.  Its crazy how often I get sick.  One day I can go and eat whatever and be fine the next day I can't stay out of the bathroom.  A few more years go by and I have to say I am not one to ever get a cold.  When I get sick I go all out.  Flu, bronchitis, Upper respiratory the list goes on and on.

One day I have some cramps and just done feel good.  My husband wants to go hiking with the kids and I just want to stay home so he goes.  I now have blood streaked mucus in my stool and I have diarrhea or I can't go for 3 days at a time.  What the heck is going on here.  So off to another doctor I go.  Ok, I may not eat the best, but I eat.  I go to the Gastroenterologist to be checked out.  They tell me to keep a calendar of my pain and eating.  Ok, here we go.  I think its the fact hat I was so young and I was.  We tried everything for the stomach and nothing worked.  I would go back and forth and have gas and bloating and some blood and discomfort.  I was also there because of the stomach issues from the pizza incident prior.  So maybe something was connecting, who knows or was it all in my head.  Endoscopy it is.  I have this done and the doctor tells me it was beautiful.  Well that made my day.  I was beautiful on the inside and I have the picture to prove it!!  Now what? Oh joy, I know what's next, endoscopy, oh poo! lmao!  Sorry I couldn't resist.  Well that gets done and they find some polyps.  Damn, ok remove them and biopsy them.

In the meantime, I'm at home freaking out.  I have blood in my stool, lost a ton of weight getting sick, nothing else happening and what's the first thing that comes to my mind, yup, you guessed it, the "c" word cancer.  Oh did I have a breakdown.  I cried for 3 days until the biopsy came back.  BUT, they called me to tell me it was inconclusive.  So now I have to wait another week to be resent out to be micro-biopsied.  It came back that I have micro-colitis which still is not fun to deal with, but better than cancer in any way.  I had to go back in a year for another one then if clean every 3 years.  Now that is good I felt better.

Six months come and go and I feel like crap and I still go to the Gastro and he suggests that I get allergy tested with all my symptoms.  I agree so off to an allergist I go.  I go into the doctors office and the first thing I do is sneeze, ironic I know, but true.  Someone has this perfume on that is just killing my eyes.  I mean I always knew certain things would bother me, but why on the world would you go into the allergist wearing perfume?  I meet the doctor, she's so nice and we have a nice long talk about how often I get sick.  Oh my.  She just takes it all in taking notes and I go on and on.  She then does and exam and starts to talk.  She tells me that with all that I have told her like me knowing my dust and sever cat allergies and the fact that I get respiratory infections a lot we should do blood testing rather than skin testing and she wanted to do patch testing for skin (I think thats what they're called) allergies.  Ok, maybe this will be the root of all my issues with the migraines and other stuff too.  There was another reason I was there too.  I would be eating Chinese or Polynesian food, which I love and I would break out in hives.  I would drink an unsweetened iced tea with real lemon and get hives.  Just get them for no reason. So testing confirms so many things.  Allergic to everything and I mean everything. 42-45 out of like 47 items tested.  The thing is I have a really elevated IgE level.  I was told by the doctor that having asthma you would have an increased level, but I wasn't diagnosed with asthma at this time.  My IgE level was just over 3000, 3060 to be exact.  Normal being between 0-120.  Well then,  My life just gets better all the time.  The didn't believe it so they took blood again and the same thing.  It was the same.  With that being seen my doctor started me on immunotherapy shots to help my allergies.  This helped us realize what was making all the hives just pop up for no reason.  I had so many level 5 and 6 even allergies 6 being over the top.  Cats, dust, all the grasses, trees, mold, soy, shellfish, wheat, milk, egg, corn, yes corn, and meats well all but chicken.  Even rice was on the low end of the chart, but with my IgE being so high it makes the low end allergies react like someone with high allergies.

Next for the patch testing.  It's called RAST testing.  I don't know which is worse, needles, which I am actually fine with or an itch that just never goes away (if you're allergic).  This is an adhesive strip that has little dots of all the things you could be allergic to on it attached to you skin for 2-3 days.  Of course its in the middle of your back so you really can't scratch it.  Not that you're supposed to anyway.  The second she put it on I was going nuts.  I asked the doctor oh, can you just itch right there, oh right there.  It was comical to say the least.  I came back in and well, more allergies, was I surprised, nope.  Latex, black rubber and adhesives.  Well that explained a lot more.  I always remembered Band-Aids leaving marks even if they were on for just a few minutes and giving blood forget it.  They would have gloves on and use the band around my arm.  I would turn bright red and itch then the mark would stay there for the longest time. The nurse or whoever took it would just tell me it was from being so tight on my arm.  I always knew, but it was never confirmed, until now.  Boy, do things really make sense!  Onward with the immunotherapy shots we go.  Ha, now this will be fun!
To be cont'd.

18 and Knowing It All The days of having 12, 13, 14 or more kids of more of a thing of the past; today, even four or five kids ...