Counting your pennies

Today I was going though my usual day, just as alway.  Got up, let the dogs out, coffee, coffee...oh, I said that already, well it was a rough night, I haven't slept the best lately. I was on my second cup before I even came into my office.  Donut Shop in my awesome Keurig, which I just love, love. It sits on my kitchen counter and gets a lot of usage between myself and my two daughters. Can you tell? After all i am just going on and on Then I log into all the social media accounts, you know the routine, email, say my good mornings, some friends usually pop-up and say hi.  It seems as if I have coffee with my friends, virtual coffee that is.  On occasion, I go out and join one or two of them, which is so nice, but that ends up being an entire day, lol, then lunch. These are well needed days, but I have to prepare for these days though.

Now is about an hour or so into my morning when I come across this post or thread so to say and its about the never ending issue, pennies.  Head splat along with a face plant right on the desk to the point that I have keyboard imprints on my forehead now.  I am now talking to my Imac, "Are you kidding me?"  What are these people taking about?  Are they ever going to let this go?  How long have you been counting your pennies?  I have been doing this since I was a little girl and my mom was and so on, since bread was two bits.  I mean geez Loiuse, no disrespect Aunt Louise, all my love to you.  I miss you and haven't seen you in about a year now that I think about it.

Moving on, pennies, get rid of them, again, still, hasn't this been done, no, oh that's right they made more? I separate them when I put change in a jar prior to going to the bank to deposit it Come on, either do it or don't.  I mean shit or get off the pot, I have been told that numerous times growing up.  Don't talk about things, do them.  Simplify, k.i.s.s. (keep it simple sweetheart) my mom would say, and then leave me be.  Don't over analyze things, which I tend to do, a lot.  Oh a lot, a ton and on and on.  Do they need a woman to walk in there and make them get their crap together, just call me.  No seriously, call me.  I will clean house.  Stop the freaking bickering and tabling issues, it's not that big of an issue, really.  Losing money, a lot of money over long periods of time, get rid of it.  Are they not looking at it in a business standpoint?  You have to spend money to make money of course, but isn't it true that after five years in a business if you continue to lose money it's definitely a failure, hmmmm? Let me think?  How long has the government been losing money on making pennies?  Has it been that long?   People either love pennies or hate them. In any case they save them before using them. If you sit and think about it you have to have four in you possession if you use them or "make them count" anyway. If you hand the cashier exact change and don't have enough then you have too many in your pocket and have to unload all the change somewhere. Then you have the cashier who won't accept the change once they put the amount into their amount into their register. What is it these days?? Just take my pennies otherwise they will get rid of them and stop hoarding them, because this is why they keep having to make more. So count your pennies and go get your dollar bills.

Full moon

Two days ago it started, more like Sunday on my crazy calendar.  I can write it down in Sharpie just knowing when I am going to get a phone call or something out of the ordinary is going to happen. A full moon cycle.  This is my favorite and least favorite time of the month rolled up into one.

People change, tides change, animals change, it all changes.   I don't even have to look at the moon phase calendar to know if the full moon is coming or not, oh believe me!  I will start getting phone calls from the ex-husband or ex-boyfriend to just "talk".  They want to say hi out of the blue and see how I am doing, you know, since I am sick quite often.  I mean seriously, like they ever cared before.  I know you care, but did you really care.  They were both they selfish type personality kind of men and yes, would ask and fully mean what they said when talking.  Although within two minutes of the conversation it would turn onto them and this is what I mean by being of the selfish type.  They always wanted the best for me, but in the long run ended up talking about themselves (bwahaha).  

Now mix this type with a full moon...holy crap and then call me; NO, crap, crap...don't call me!  I mean this is what they do.  I go through this every month like clockwork, like a woman on her menstrual cycle.  The agony, cramps and annoyingness.  Annoyingness, is that even a word? If it is or not my definition is just so overly annoying I would like to smack his mother for giving birth, and raising him as well as allowing him to be such an ignorant man as to annoy the crap out of any one person and then him.  The phone calls usually start the day before the actual full moon and last a few days.  They ask me crazy questions or talk about odd things.  Just random outbursts.  I try to ignore it and yes them until they get tired of talking and hang up.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh huh and gotta go, bye.  

Then next thing you know, I'm driving down the road and there they are, more of them.  The full mooners.  Not literally mooning me, just the people that change during this phase.  They come out and don't know how to act.  Heck, stay home!  I am just fine all the time, same person, I do not howl, nor growl hair.  I don't reminisce about the old days at midnight and light candles and make a wish, and hey  , if you do, more power to you, just don't cut me off driving please.  I would like to get to my destination just as safely as you would, because today that woman who cut me off in the little green car, well she was almost toast from the big old 18-wheeler that I was waiting for to pass you full mooner.  Oh, well maybe she just didn't know how to drive.  

I try to stay home during this time, because you know that saying, the freaks come out at night.  

Pieces of me

Have you ever lost yourself?  Let me put it this way, have you ever found yourself?  Recently I have found out many new, quite possibly old and very lost or just deeply sunken qualities about myself.

Kindness, which I have always have known to have been has never been lost, nor has, my overwhelming personality (they're aren't too many people that don't like it, yes a few, never said directly to me, but a few nonetheless).  I call it overwhelming because I am always happy, smiling, vibrant and just fun to be around.  I like to enjoy my time, no matter what.  Patience, which I have learned to control, I think many of us have over time.  I am no angel, but I do have patience and quite a lot of it.  When I get right down to it, I am a really good hearted person with all the right stuff as I have been told, lately.  Now with that being said, I know I have always been that way, never changed and never will, no reasons to change who I am.  I was born and raised this way.  I love my mom for making me who I am and my family around me, my environment for conditioning me for who I have become.

My environment, now this is where it becomes a little fuzzy at times.  For years in my marriage, yes halfway decent, I can complain, but for the most part, why?  Most people end up bitter and stay that way, I feel bad for them, me, nah, move on, forgive and move on.  Just don't forget, learn from it!  Don't allow it to rule you or run you into the ground, make it a training lesson to prepare you for whats next in life.  I lost who I was and became who I thought I was supposed to be.  I was unhappy, of course I never showed it.  I just went along like nothing was ever wrong in my life, took care of my home, my children and myself, oh my (ex)husband of course.  It wasn't until I had my brain surgery and recovered from it was when I realized what was missing; me.  We who knew.   

Have you ever lost yourself?  Let me put it this way, have you ever found yourself?  Recently I have found out many new, quite possibly old and very lost or just deeply sunken qualities about myself.

Kindness, which I have always have known to have been has never been lost, nor has, my overwhelming personality (they're aren't too many people that don't like it, yes a few, never said directly to me, but a few nonetheless).  I call it overwhelming because I am always happy, smiling, vibrant and just fun to be around.  I like to enjoy my time, no matter what.  Patience, which I have learned to control, I think many of us have over time.  I am no angel, but I do have patience and quite a lot of it.  When I get right down to it, I am a really good hearted person with all the right stuff as I have been told, lately.  Now with that being said, I know I have always been that way, never changed and never will, no reasons to change who I am.  I was born and raised this way.  I love my mom for making me who I am and my family around me, my environment for conditioning me for who I have become.

My environment, now this is where it becomes a little fuzzy at times.  For years in my marriage, yes halfway decent, I can complain, but for the most part, why?  Most people end up bitter and stay that way, I feel bad for them, me, nah, move on, forgive and move on.  Just don't forget, learn from it!  Don't allow it to rule you or run you into the ground, make it a training lesson to prepare you for whats next in life.  I lost who I was and became who I thought I was supposed to be.  I was unhappy, of course I never showed it.  I just went along like nothing was ever wrong in my life, took care of my home, my children and myself, oh my (ex)husband of course.  It wasn't until I had my brain surgery and recovered from it was when I realized what was missing; me.  Who knew.   

I only had wished that I knew sooner, but so be it. Now I only have to figure out who I was again.  Little pieces are starting to shine through little by little, day by day, week by week.  Wondering how long this was going to take, I decided to just be me and research everything about everything.  My illnesses, along with  anything else that may have popped into my head at that given moment, hence a blog had been started.  I have arrived with a new me, well old me, new thoughts and clear vision.

 There is a song by Ashlee Simpson, "Pieces of Me", amazing how it seems to be just about spot on.  As young as she is, it makes me wonder who helped her write the song, did they know what I went through.  OH, maybe a mid-life crisis?  One never knows, but it's pretty close for me.  Truth be told, I was feeling a whole new feeling it seemed.  I don't know if I can describe it, but it seemed just happy and free, like the days of Woodstock, sort of.  Not so much sharing love, love the one you're with type feeling, just like a load was released or dropped off of my shoulders and I felt a sense of calm.  I liked this very much.  Although it was a few years before I was actually divorced, I had a grip on who I was again and it was going to take a long time, which I knew.

I wasn't going anywhere any time soon, so time is all I had.  Recovery for me was going to be long a tough, not easy by any means.  I like myself so much better and just some tweaking is all I needed, well for me anyway.  No one else really knew what was going on, because on the outside, like I mentioned before, I was cool as a cucumber and just made it like everything was normal.  Why leave pieces of me around to have to pick up to try and put back together if I don't need to?  This would make my life that much more complicated and I sure do not want that. Simple, and leave your drama at the movies.              

Being a selfish bitch

The word selfish in itself is described in the dictionary as this:
selfish |ˈselfi sh |adjective(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure : I joined them for selfish reasons.

Wow is all I have to say once I read this, right on the nose.  I always knew the meaning, but I never once read the actual text.  I guess that's because I am not a selfish person.  In the last 24-48 hours, I have come across a few people that have fit both ends of the spectrum of this word.  Amazed and appalled I am.  The one I would have not expected to have come from it came flying out of their mouth like a power surge of pure lightening. Not a bat of an eye lash.  "Well I don't care, I want to go!", was the exact wording.  This was a full grown adult with children.  I am still in shock at this moment, as this person would be the first to come see you in the hospital or be at your grandparent's or parent's funeral just to pay their respects because they have know you all their lives without ever knowing them.  I mean, awe, I am in pure awe.  

How does one become a selfish bitch?  Should I be?  Do I posses the power to be one?  I do not by any way, shape or form want to get that way ever.  I imagine, and I have said this before, if you follow me, I have almost died and I cherish every day that I have.  Some days I don't feel like I do as much as other because I feel like I have been run over by a train, but I do.  I love my life, my children, my family and friends, dogs and fish too, my home and truck, my yard.  I love the sun and the moon.  I love it all.  The sound of rain while laying in my bed and it trickles down the side of the house.  I really do like the snow, it's the cold I can live without.  The birds singing in the trees and the sound of the leaves falling in the Autumn winds. It is all so great, but how does someone become so selfish, I still don't understand it.

Maybe they were deprived of things, what things who knows, for a long time or their childhood.  Marriage, bad marriage or bad childhood, or a great one of each and were spoiled and think they deserve everything.  Not a clue.  My life has definitely been eventful to say the least and I am nowhere close to being selfish, granted I love my coffee, hehe, but I would give it away if need be first.
When I was married and my children were babies I always made sure they were bathed, fed and happy prior to myself even thinking about taking a shower or doing anything.  I used to get mad at my (ex)husband and say something to him about that all the time.  I told him he was a selfish person once they were born, because there were two other people that needed to be thought about before him in this world and before himself, he never understood that.  I guess this is part of who I am and some guys and women don't understand that.  He (ex) would get up every morning, go to the bathroom, pee, take a shower, go outside and smoke a cigarette, get coffee, then go to work.  It drove me nuts! I mean absolutely, mad I would get at him.  Myself on the other hand, I would get out of bed and instantly take care of my girls, then myself.  Makes me wonder what goes on in people's minds.

Going back, this friend of mine just really made my head spin thinking she has been a different person all these years.  I'm not sure what to do?  Do I confront them or not?  Writing this helps me vent of course, but it doesn't help me know what to do.  Usually I just let things play them selves out, but this was really not a good scenario, at all.  

On the other hand, there was the second situation which was a younger girl who just hopped in and took the place of another without thinking and was one of the least selfish people I have met in a long time, so that made things quite the offset for me.  She made my weekend a great one and I thanked her for it.  I have to look at it as the good outweighs the bad, even though my first friend was being a selfish bitch, :) 

Take me as I am, or well you know the rest.

Divorce, ooh, the "d" word. It's not as bad as people make it out to be, honestly, it the people who make divorce as bad as it sounds and gets. I still talk to my ex-husband, just about every day.  This sounds a little weird for some, but we are much better as friends than we were as anything, believe me, I am  a much better divorced from him and keeping him as a friend than not.

Life throws us all sorts of curves and for those of us who can handle it, well we do and for the rest, I am truly sorry for you.  Either you break down, you run and hide or you ignore ti and it builds up and you explode.  Oh, not to forget me, I love to vent, lol.  I do talk and I talk a lot, I really have to feeling or thought either way who likes or dislikes it, take me as I am or, well you know how the saying goes, take a hike, or don't take me, ohhh, watch me as I go, that's it.

I was born talking, more than likely, I love to talk, sing, chat and have awesome pleasant conversations with people whom I find interesting.  Even if you aren't I will still chat with you, maybe not as long, but I will.  I vent and it helps release the feelings like, anger, happiness, sadness, all the other feelings I have inside.  I think everyone should try it.  There is nothing wrong with a little release of energy now and again.  When it builds, it's not good for you and causes stress and we all know stress can cause a multitude if things.

So nearly 20 years of being married I released my stress and signed my divorce papers.  It was a great feeling as well as a sad one.  Who gets married to get divorced?  I thought this was in sickness and in health, better or worse, the whole she-bang.  I have to say as relieved as I was, I was sad.  I felt as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders at the same time that I leaving a life behind.  Now what?  Scared and all alone, although I had two great girls, teens of course and still home and good , thankfully.  But all in all I was alone, surrounded by people, but alone.

He knew the saying, didn't want me, well actually it was me who didn't want him, he had been tainted, several times over too.  I was done with that.  Today, well actually just a few weeks ago he asked me about getting back together, I laugh at him, cruel, I know.  I just laugh and tell him no way in Hell.  I told him, he didn't want me when he had me, why now?  As soon as I the pause, I tell him to stop, because I already know what's coming.  I don't ever want to hear those words come out of that man's mouth again.

I was sick, I gained weight, I was not happy with myself, my hey, I always looked good, took care of myself and my home, my girls and him, so really, if he didn't take me for who I was then, never, will you get the chance again, you know the saying, take me as I am or watch me as I go.  I left and I am much happier now and just to know that I am happy with who I am today and that I made the best choice, makes me the better person.

We are very amicable with each other and the girls, don't fight and if he needs help doing something within reason, I always help him and vice-verse. Why can't other people do this?

I am smart and a people person, love to help others and volunteer when I can.  I have been told that I am beautiful, sexy and I am in very good shape as I work out 3-4 days a week now.  I have a great personality and I play well with others.  Friends by the handful and I am very handy, so what happened?  Maybe I was too smart, or pretty.  I have no idea, but whatever it seems to be, I am me and guess what?  Take me as I am or, well you know the rest.

Going nuts!

Some days I feel like in going nuts!  I'm not, truly I'm not.  Its all the people who come to me and want to vent thinking I am the calmest person they know.  HA! If they only saw me on the inside some days.  I could just scream.  I am human just like everyone else.  Some of us know how to vent and others don't.  One would call that bitching or whining.  Me, I have a blog...hehe, venting 101.  I vent what I, want when I want and it is just fine for me.  Then you have the bitchers, ugh, or better yet the whiners.  They are fun to mess with though. I can do that all day long, but I don't.  No, stop, really I don't.  I listen to them and try to give them the best advice to my abilities that I know to give them that adheres to their situation.

For now... everyone needs to vent otherwise you will explode or just go nuts!

Where we are?

Do you have any idea where you are?  OK wise ass, I hear you and no I don't mean sitting in front of your computer reading this.  I mean where are you in life.  Is this where you planned to be?  Is this who you wanted to be?  Did you ever want to be here and really, I mean really did you expect to turn out this good or bad or even nearly as close to what you had expected?

Come on now, seriously.  Ask yourself.  Is this where I want to be in life?  You have a great job, or not so great job.  My boss is a complete jerk and pig-headed, he can't seem to get enough of himself and is so vain that he has mirrors all around the office as well as his name plastered everywhere, well after all the business is his and it is named after him, although it was his great grandfathers and was left to him or something of that nature.  Then again you can be exactly where you are meant to be in an awesome job, with a boss who appreciates you and knows what potential you have, puts you in the perfect places at a minutes notice and you absolutely love it, you go to work happy and come home happy.  This is awesome.  Just one question, are you happy, truly happy?  Perfect then, if not just make some adjustments and try not to be so uptight or maybe scheduled.  Maybe you need to relax or possibly take a breath.  I mean a real breath, fresh clean air.

Enjoy that sunrise or sunset that you have been missing.  Stop and smell those roses, lilies or whichever flowers you prefer, but just make sure you do it.  For me, I try to do that at least once a week, it makes things seem more realistic for me and grounded.  Life is way to short, not to enjoy the things we take for granted every day.  A simple smile, holding a door for the next person just a step or two behind you and the sun setting, which happens in the blink of an eye.

What would you do if the sun didn't come back up the next day?  Just a thought, or if no one held a door?  The world would become so irritable and crabby, nothing would grow without sunlight.  I posted the other day about people not stopping for pedestrians in a crosswalk which is a state law here in NY and that just makes me so sad to see.  It is a lack of respect in my eyes, not the fact that they don't see you.  People have no respect and are in such a hurry to get to where ever.  It just amazes me.  Slow down and enjoy life and think, how did I get here and am I truly happy, because you never know if you will be standing on the road while all the traffic is going by and no one will stop for you to let you cross, how fast are you going to get anywhere then, not very I'm thinking.  Respect life, you only have one, respect yourself, your health and others.  Live, love and laugh.

Advice...do you use it?

Advice is something in life that people all too often don't use.  Don't get me wrong, I have been given some terrible advice and know immediately not to use it, such as, oh you should just tweak your resume , they won't check it.  I don't lie.  I don't even like to "extend" the truth.  I'm not saying that I haven't, because God knows, along with our best friends who were our partners in crime at that given moment  were there.

One of my most favorite cartoons, Snoopy!  Boy could he write!

Advice can be great to have an utilize when done the right way.  Let me give you my best ten tips right now as I am feeling like I just want to hand over some well kept knowledge. Let me assure you, I'm no Lucy and would never pull the ball away before kicking it.

1:  Don't ever try to change someone.

This will never happen, no matter how hard you try or think, oh they will change because they love me or say they will, bullshit, I say, pure unadulterated bullshit.  You can change you surroundings, your clothes, your friends, hair, how you eat and everything you own,  You can change your job and anything else tangible in your life, but YOU will never change, you will always be you. Your personality is fully developed by the time you are seven years old.  So think about it, if you want to change a person and how they are, good luck to you.  You can change some of what they do and how you dress, where you work things of that nature, but who you are, this isn't going to happen.

2:  If you want to be happy, surround yourself with happy people.

Exactly what it says.  Otherwise, misery loves company.  People feed off one another.  I am a positive person and tend to be happy 95 percent of the time but find myself being negative and unhappy if I am around unhappy people.  I start talking that way and acting that way.  Get away from them and fast.

3:  Practice doesn't make perfect.  Practice makes perfect and perfect practice makes perfect.

I read this on a blog somewhere about tennis and to me it makes absolute perfect, lol, sense.  I am a perfectionist and love to do things once if possible.  I don't like to do them over and over because it just make for wasting time.  Do things slow and easy and right the first time, this way it's done right!

4:  You don't know anything until you've done it.

This is probably one of the best things I have heard.  I cannot stand when someone says, "I know" or "whatever".  UGH!!!  My two most dislike lines.  How do you know if you haven't tried it or done it and what does "whatever" really mean??  It can mean a host of things.  Bad, good or indifferent.  Say what you mean and not what I think it could mean, because I think it means the worst and usually take it to heart.  I would imagine most people do except of course the one saying it, they mean "whatever!"

5:  Arguing is pointless.

I mean really, come on now.  Not everyone in life agrees on the same thing, but why argue about it.  You can have a disagreement without the argument.  Even if you do argue, in the end you still got over it and made up, so why argue to begin with, just a bunch of hurt feelings for no reason what so ever, you didn't even do your homework on the topic at hand to begin with.  Just don't argue, simple.  No reason.  Go have that romantic dinner anyway ;)  If it's a work issue, well then you don't get into trouble and your not the bad guy.  Like I said arguing is a pointless waste of time and you could have gotten some of those unfinished projects done.

6:  The two most important questions in life are: "Why?" and "Why not?"

The trick to this one is really which one to ask and when to ask it.  People change every day and learn new things along the way.  Asking questions comes with this change.  Knowing which questions to ask and when is a big part of change.  How do we know when and where to ask?  We don't always know and how do we know what motivates us to ask these questions, we don't;  most of us don't know anyway.  We have to analyze ourselves and then we can begin to ask the questions which, will enable us to grow and learn, with this becomes change.

7:  Choose your battles wisely.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this over the years, ten, twelve, maybe more, but this is a great one to pass on.  I can remember growing up and riding the bus to school, Mrs. Carr was her name, the bus driver, she was strict yet nice.  She would tell us, "fight nice."  I could never figure that out until I heard this.  I know what it means.  Be happy, choose wisely and why argue all wrapped up in one.  You don't need to fight over the last piece of gum, split it in half and share, change seats instead of not letting friends sit together and fight over it.  I get it Mrs. Carr, thank you :)  Don't fight the things you can't win, its a waste of precious time and fighting is just not nice.

8:  Today is the only guarantee you get.     

This is so very true.  I have come to the point in my life when I should have died on more than one occasion.  Never self inflicted, if you have kept up with my blog,you know that I have been sick for years.  I have Arnold Chiari Malformation, which is a malformation of the brain.  Surgery, which I had is just a "band-aid", and there is no cure for it.  If I didn't have the surgery I would have more than likely been dead already as my cerebral tonsils were 25mm below the base of my skull.  So when I tell you today is the only guarantee, I'm not kidding!  I had no idea I was dying, for years this was happening slowly.  It took me many to figure out what was wrong, but once I did, I learned how to live again and how to be much happier, not that I wasn't already a happy person.  Take all the good in people and give back.  Live, love and laugh.  By writing this is what I do.  I also volunteer as often as my body allows me to.  Think of this:

Dew on the grass on a beautiful spring day.  The smell of a new born baby.  Laying in the hammock with nothing but a breeze and and the warm sun while you read a book while getting lost in the words. I read somewhere that if you think of life like a terminal illness you learn to live it with joy and passion as it should be lived out every day.  Smell the fresh flowers every everyday and enjoy the scenery as you drive listen to the sounds of life as you go about your day and remember today is the only guarantee you get.

9:  Men aren't mind readers.  If you want something, tell them.

Come on now ladies.  I mean seriously, do you really think that they know you want those boots you been eyeing in the window of Macy's for the last two weeks?  Believe me, most of them have no idea.  There are those few that may have a knack for shopping, which believe me is great, but unless you tell them, leave more than subtle hints around, have no idea.  Let me put it this way, put big hints up.  Put them everywhere.  I mean the right places, the refrigerator, computer, the mirror.  The places that he sees.  If you want them, put the circular there, circle them with a heart and say great gift idea.  Or of course you would love some new lingerie, who wouldn't, take your man shopping, but don't buy it, go try it on and say what do you think, maybe this would be a big enough hint that they would remember.  Come straight out and tell them you would absolutely love flowers and chocolate or chocolate covered strawberries, yummy!  When women are happy, them men are happy....just saying guys!  And guys, hey ask the women if they would like some new comfy pajamas for Valentine's Day or what their favorite color is.  The men have to get into the swing of things too, don't just lay all the responsibility on the women, after all with today's technology, you can send yourself alerts and reminders to bring home milk, why not gifts for "just because."

Now for the last one and my most favorite!

10:  Negotiate everything!

Everything is negotiable.  Cars, furniture, jewelry, homes, insurance even cell phones.  In this day and age you can even negotiate life if you sit and think about it.  If you don't like the answer, walk away.  

You have free delivery, coupons, two for one, percentages discounts, Holiday discounts, tax refund discounts, credit card rewards, no sales tax.  I mean everything.  Look at the insurance companies and going to court, takes years but seems the longer you hold out the more you might get in the long run.  

Haggling, walking away, paying cash, there are so many different methods of getting a better deal it's a negotiating world out there.  Just remember all you have to do is wait it out and you too can negotiate.  

My friends and followers, this is my advice list to you, use it in good health and remember live, love and laugh...that is non-negotiable. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

How hard is it for you to make a decision?  Any decision, from what to eat to what to wear to if you really need those great shoes you've bee eying at the mall for the last 2 paychecks.

I, for the most part don't have a problem making a decision, but on the other hand feel guilty when I decide I want a new pair of beets and my kids just give me that look and say there's nothing to eat in the house.  I know and all of my friends, family and mostly my kids know that is is totally false.  They just don't want to cook.  Life has come down to this in my eyes, what is really important at this moment in time.  Well, right now it seems as of today it's not shoes, and it's not a new outfit, although that would be great right now and make me feel like a million bucks along with a great massage and a haircut.

It has recently come to my attention that I have more, well, more severe medical issues than I have had in the past.  Not that they are going to kill me any faster than I was already going to die, like oh let's see 100 or so, but I am at a point of I live in pain daily.  This my friends sucks.  It is nothing that you would ever want to pass on to anyone.  I would much rather clean bathrooms at an amusement park in the dead of summer (yeah, nasty huh).  So, with this being said, I have several decisions to make now.  NO, no new boots or shoes!  Sounds good though.

I have to figure out where I can move, actually pick up my live, family, belongings and relocate to in order to feel at least comfortable on a more daily basis.  I feel good in the summer and late spring, early fall.  I am in the Hudson Valley in NY.  However, the Winter is very harsh on my body and feels as if I have the Flu on a constant basis for 3-4 months without the vomiting and fever.  I have been told and have read that barometric pressure plays a part on arthritic people, so I have to consider this also.  I have arthritis, Arnold Chiari Malformation, Fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease in c3,c4,c5 and I do not have c1 or c2, they were both removed when I had to have brain surgery.  I also have hip surgery just a year and a half ago, so my hip act up and sticks when the weather gets cold also.  Migraines and allergies are also a big part.  With all of these on my end, both of my girls are in their 1st year of college and love the Arts and photography.

This being said I need to find a central location with access for me for doctors and them for college.  I have searched the internet high and low, all over trying to see what other people have written just for information.  Anything on everything.  Now it's still up to me in the end, I know, this is what I am told.

I am the one it falls on in the end.  So what do you do?  Do you make the decision of, we go here and buy a house in 3 months and that's it or we rent and test it out?  Depending upon the state you live in you have to have residency and then I have to run my kids through the mill for schooling.  What an I to do?  I understand I am the mom, but crap, decisions, decisions, decisions, can't I just go to the mall and but a new pair of boots instead?

Winter is half over and they are having a great sale.  Such an easy decision for me on that one and who couldn't use a new pair of black boots.  When did all of this become so complicated?  When did life slap me in the face and say,"Hello?"  I don't remember it being this way when they were younger.  I made every decision when they were young and now that they are adults I feel as if each decision I make is like walking on egg shells.  I don't want to do the wrong thing and end up having my children turn out to be non-working, homeless, crack-smoking, ruthless adults who do nothing with their lives in the end, after all I am the one who raised them.

My oldest daughter, who is turning 21 in seven months, says to me the other day, "Mom, look at your hands, they are finally starting to get wrinkly."  How do I take that?  I am 45 and in my mind I feel 30, but my body feels 80 in the winter and I look as if I'm 35.  I get told all the time how good I look, although I feel like crap on a daily basis.  I smile and move forward, yet I can't make a decision on where to move?  What to do?  Decisions, decisions, decisions.