Alone

I'm not sure how many people have been in the same situation as me, but have you ever felt alone?  I'm sure you have at one point in your life.  I mean really alone.  In the same room with a lot of people having a great time, yet feel like you're all alone.  If you have read my previous blog on my medical conditions then you will know some things about me and that I have Arnold Chiari Malformation.  Look at me, well I know you can't.  I mean take a look at my picture.  I don't look sick or like I have anything wrong from the picture.  It's really annoying some days, because that makes me feel alone.  I can honestly say that I feel like crap daily.  Each day is just a different level of how bad I feel.  Some days I get up and do nothing and I mean nothing.  I'm lucky I remember to take my medicine the bazillion I'm on.  Other days I get up and I want to do the dishes or laundry or anything I can just to feel useful.  Woo, lets go to the mall, go shopping something.  Oh boy, for most women, that is an awesome thing.  Oh don't get me wrong.  I love to shop.  Its the walking for a long time that I can do without or the sitting or the long day.  Its the whole thing all together.  I have to save all my energy from the entire week just to go shopping with my kids one afternoon, because I will be home sleep extra and hurt more, be tired and be so worn out the next day.  It takes me 2-3 days to recover just from shopping it drives me insane.  So I don't do it.  And remember Arnold Chiari Malformation is only one of the many illness I have.

Trying to accomplish regular tasks at home is forget it.  Overexerting myself is just about everything I do and I pay for it the next few days.  I will go out and dance with my friends, but I take Tylenol before going because I have to on top of everything else and again I am just sitting or lying in bed for the next 2 days because I am in pain.  I am throbbing, My neck and head is built up with so much pressure it feels like I was ran over by a truck.  I feel so alone, why did this happen to me?  Some days I wish that everyone could just experience this for a month, not a day, a month.  Then maybe when people look at me and say, "you look great, you seem fine".  Yeah, ok.  I wish I only felt half as good as I look then at least i could do so much more.  I feel useless some days, alone, confined.  Other days I feel as if I were given life another chance and something precious like a gift.

I don't have any mental issues, yeah anxiety, who wouldn't with all the medical problems I have, but thats it.  I'm not depressed or anything like that.  I just need to vent thats why I made this blog and I want to get my thoughts and stories about my life out.  Maybe it will help someone, somewhere.  I am a strong woman, independent for which my mother taught me to be and I am grateful to have such a wonderful mother.  I have two awesome sisters and a great brother too and for that again I am truly thankful.  My 2 gorgeous daughters and 3 pain in the butt dogs (aren't they all) fill my life with joy and make me part of the woman that I am.  But having so many illnesses I always will feel so alone like I was hand-picked to endure all this pain and continue my life this way.  Alone in the sense that there is no one like me and not alone in the sense that I have no one around me.

This is why I know there are many people who feel they are alone in a crowd, but just remember you're not alone, but you are one.  One special person, just like me.